


take care of all the lonely souls

by ganscy_s



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Depression, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Andrew Minyard, Suicidal Thoughts, This is my first fic ok, eventual angst ?, i don’t know how to tag ???, idk man they’re gay and confused, neil is spiritual as fuck but would punch god in the face, they’re sort of soft okay i can’t help it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:14:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24346348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ganscy_s/pseuds/ganscy_s
Summary: “There’s a lot worth living for. You just have to see it.” Andrew brought his gaze back to Neil and raised his eyebrow in a question. “Okay look,”Andrew is not having an okay time and Neil, the guy he barely knows, try’s to show him how to see life through a better perspective.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 92
Kudos: 334





	1. Chapter 1

Some days are worse than others. Some days getting out of bed, taking a shower, remembering to eat and drink, even forming a sentence is exhausting.

Some days it’s easier than others. Today was not one of those days.

Everything has been quiet since Tildas _tragic death_ , Aaron getting clean, and Nicky moving in to be their legal guardian . Obviously not the quiet Andrew wants since that’s impossible with Nicky in their house, but the kind of quiet where the water is still and their boats steady and calm and it fucking sucks.

It’s too quiet. There’s not enough to distract his mind. To make him think instead of feel. Lately he doesn’t know what to think about and the feelings and memories and all the thoughts are starting to creep in and he doesn’t have many positive ones. 

Right now: Only negative ones are dominating his mind. He’s in his car, in a parking lot, just sitting. Wondering if he could start the car, push on the gas just the right amount, and go head fucking first into the sturdy brick wall in front of him. He’s been in a car crash before, one he caused. He wasn’t sure if it would take him with Tilda or not, but he didn’t mind taking the chance. 

He wouldn’t really do it, he thought. He has his promise with Aaron, and even if Aaron doesn’t give a shit about keeping it, Andrew does. 

Andrew doesn’t want to die. He wants a reason to live, and right now if that reason is Aaron, then it’s enough. 

He moved his foot away from the gas and pulled his hand away from the gear shift.

His thoughts are stopped when he hears frantic knocking on his window. He turns to the passenger seat and sees Neil. Neils a new kid at their school. They have german together and he’s a smart ass who dresses like he’s homeless, that’s all he knows about him and now he looks like he’s running from someone.

He unlocks the door and Neil hops in without any hesitation and Andrew is already skidding off before Neil could tell him to. 

_No brick wall for you today._

“Want to explain what you’re running from.” Andrew said, trying his best for his voice to come out dull and uncaring. 

“Some assholes.” Neil replied, still trying to catch his breath. 

“Haven't you heard you shouldn’t get into fights you can’t finish.” He didn’t slow down even knowing it’s just some guys he could probably take in a fight.

“I’ve heard of the concept. Not my thing.” Neils breath became less harsh. He sighed in relief, leaning his head back and closing his eyes for a second. Andrew didn’t ask what he did to get chased, he didn’t care. 

“So you just hang out in empty parking lots for fun?” Neil asked.

Andrew decided not to answer that. 

  1. He didn’t do things for fun. 
  2. It's not like he can say: _was debating on offing myself, you know, the usual traumatized teen angst bullshit._



When Andrew didn’t answer Neil asked, “You alright?” Andrew was more startled by the question than he was by him pounding on his car window like he wanted to break the glass. 

“Why do you ask?” 

“You look off is all.” Neil shrugged. Andrew tried not to think about how much Neil would’ve had to look at him to see the difference of an okay day and a bad one. Plus, Andrew was so sure he had an unreadable face with zero emotion. How Neil could tell: he wasn’t sure. Yet. 

Neil didn’t press the question further but after a moment of silence he asked, “Do you want to go to the fair with me?”

He’d never been to a fair. He knew it was in town and that Nicky loved it enough to want to fly Erik down just so they could go together. He got louder and much _more_ when he let himself know it wasn’t going to work out and it was just an empty daydream. Andrew noticed he did that. Whenever things got dark in Nickys mind, he became lighter outside. Andrew guessed that maybe he’s trying to fake it till he makes it, or maybe it was his shitty parents who fucked up expressing negative emotions. Who knows. 

“Why?” Andrew asked. 

“Why not? I’ve never been. You?” 

“No.” Andrew got the feeling there was more to this by the way Neils leg had begun to bounce and how he bit his lip just slightly and averted his gaze to the side of the window instead of the front, or to Andrew. 

He didn’t answer him on if they were going or not, but Neil didn’t mind. He stopped bouncing his leg and he looked somewhat calm. “This is a really nice car.” when he said it, it sounded a little too loud given there was nothing but silence just a second ago.

“And what about it?” 

“How does a 17 year old asshole afford _this._ ”

“Blood money.” 

Neil huffed a laugh like there was an inside joke with himself. “Sounds about right for you.” 

_Oh Neil, if only you knew._

He pulled into the crowded fair parking lot. It was nearly dark outside and the red, yellow, green, and purple lights mixed with all the people almost seemed like too much on a day like this, but it was an inviting and pretty atmosphere when it was contrasted with the small amount of stars there were and the dark sky. He thought it would be okay to risk getting in a worse mood for this, and it was better than feeling. 

They got out of his car and the first thing he noticed was how big the ferris wheel actually was. It was tall. Andrew didn’t like heights very much. He broke his leg once in an accident and it left him defenseless and feeling weak. 

_You can’t protect yourself if you’re a cripple,_ he would tell himself. He was going to get over this fear eventually, just not today. 

When they went to buy their tickets Andrew dug his wallet out of his pockets and pulled out enough money for two tickets. When Neil saw, he looked at Andrews cash with distaste, “I can pay for my own. I have money.” 

Andrew looked at him up and down, “You don’t dress like it.” 

“Fuck you.” Neil said passively as he took out his own wallet. He was right. He had more than enough cash in his wallet and not just a couple of tens and twenties (though he did have more than enough of those) he’s pretty sure he saw a couple hundred dollars bills in there. 

After they paid and made their way through the entrance they wandered a bit. Neils dry and dead, obviously botched shit brown hair boxed dye job: wasn’t anything special, but when all the glare of the fair’s lights hit it, it didn’t look too bad as it led him through the crowd.

Neil looked around to see where to go and must’ve settled on food since he led Andrew to a food stand. He got himself fried ice cream. Neil, apparently, is a god damn sadist and got a peanut butter and jelly cheeseburger, but that’s not all, it's also _spicy._

“What the fuck, Josten.” Andrew voiced the second they sat down with their food and drinks and saw that Neil was actually going to eat it. 

“What?” he said taking the fucking antichrist of food away from his mouth. 

“Nothing.” He was too tired to find a response and just ate some of his ice cream instead. 

Neil shrugged, and took, a fucking, bite. 

Andrew was just waiting for it. He was waiting for the vomit, or the spit take, or the giant gulp of his sprite just to get the flavor out, but it didn’t come. He just kept eating it. He finished before Andrew even did. Though, Andrew ate slowly. Ice cream was too sensitive on his teeth; he had to eat it in a methodical way that would only let the ice cream touch his tongue instead of his teeth, but Neil didn’t seem to mind the wait. He drank the rest of his sprite and when he was done his mouth began to twist as if he had something to say.

“Spit it out.” Andrew deadpanned and Neil tilted his head in curiosity at him for just a second before he began to think again.

“I noticed something about you,” Neil said with interest in his voice. 

“And that is?” Curiosity is a bitch. 

“You’re-” Neil began to say but stopped. “I don’t think it’s something I should say.” he bit his lip and lightly bounced the bottom of his fist on the wooden table. 

“Don’t think you have to tiptoe around me.” Andrew warned.

“You pulled a knife on the exy coach just for asking you to try out.” 

“I told him no. He should’ve accepted that the first two times.” 

“Fair enough. Say no, and i’ll shut up.” He waited for Andrew to agree. Andrew nodded his head once. “You’re not really okay are you?” When Andrew said nothing, Neil continued, “No one was chasing me.” and _that,_ that got his attention. 

“Oh?” Andrew raised a brow. 

“I was running to clear my head.” 

“And how did a run turn into you at my car window? I don’t like liars.” he enunciated every word with clarity.

Neil looked hesitant to answer but he just shrugged, “Needed a place to sleep. There’s a car that just sits in that parking lot.” 

Now things really didn’t make sense. How does a homeless kid with seemingly no parents have a wallet full of cash? 

“What does this have to do with me?” he asked in his uncaring voice. Neil must’ve seen what was going through his head while he sat in that parking lot. He just needed a confirmation.

“You were going to plow yourself into a wall.” 

“No. I wasn’t.”

“But you thought about it.” 

“I think about a lot of things without acting on them. Like shoving your face into a deep fryer,” 

Neils mouth twisted as he stared at Andrew, it took him a couple of tries before he said, “I just don’t understand.” 

Andrew could sense that this was going to get annoying real quick. “What?”

“How someone would want to die.” 

Andrew shrugged one shoulder as he fiddled with the edge of his arm bands. “The world is a cruel place.” 

“It’s not the world. It’s the people.” 

Andrew nodded in agreement. He wanted to say something else. He debated it. It was just Neil, when the semester is over and they got new classes and barely see each other it wouldn’t even matter. 

“I don’t understand what’s the big deal about life.” he said while cradling his chin in his propped up hand and stared anywhere but at Neil. 

It took him a while to answer but eventually he said, “There’s a lot worth living for. You just have to see it.” Andrew brought his gaze back to Neil and raised his eyebrow in a question. “Okay look,” Neil started almost energetically as he sat up straighter and leaned in more towards Andrew. He turned his head and Andrew followed his gaze.

“Look at everything. The people, the lights, the ferris wheel, the grass. Just look at it.” Neil said, his voice low and calm. And Andrew did. 

It was pretty. Everything blended together in an aesthetically pleasing way and the cold air felt good on his skin. It smelled of both fried and sweet food, though here there wasn’t much of a difference between the two. Kids were laughing and friends were taking pictures of each other, and it should make him feel like he’s on another planet or in another world. 

But it doesn’t. It just makes him more upset. 

“Nothing.” He whispered. He couldn’t feel that way. He knew he was too messed up to feel that way. Trying to was becoming even more exhausting. 

“Not yet.” Neil smiled. A genuine smile that made Andrew _really_ want to shove his face in a deep fryer. “How about this,” Neil started. “At the end of tonight you tell me one thing you enjoyed. Even if you barely even felt a tiny ounce of fun, just tell me, or write it down, just: acknowledge it.” 

Andrew nodded. It was simple, and worth a shot, but not for nothing. “What will I get in return?” 

“What do you want?” 

“Tell me why you have so much cash if you're homeless.” 

Neil swallowed a gulp, “My mom left it for me.” 

“didn’t think you had parents.” Andrew mentioned offhandedly. 

“I don’t. They’re dead.” 

“Mine too.” 

“Twinsies.” Neil joked in a dry voice.

Andrew shoved his face away with his palm. This was going to be a long night.

They played a bunch of stupid fair games that Neil put way too much energy in to win.

“ _Jocks_.” Andrew scoffed as he watched Neil try for the tenth time to aim a ring over a bottle.

“I swear this shit it rigged.” Neil said as he finally gave up. 

“Or you’re an idiot.” Andrew pointed a finger at Neil through his folded arms. 

“Yeah? Why don’t you try then?” Neil challenged way too seriously for just a game of ring toss.

Andrew rolled his eyes as he stepped up to play. By the end of the game Andrew had made every shot perfectly and Neils jaw went slack, “Wow.” he said. “I take it back. I’m an idiot.” 

“Self awareness is key.” 

“Key to what exactly?” 

“Not sure.” Andrew shrugged.

Winning resulted in a prize. Andrew refused to pick one and the man behind the booth made an awkward face when Andrew just stood there waiting for Neil to move on. Instead, Neil saw the standoff and very quickly picked up a slap bracelet that was white and had a tacky outline of an alien face on it. Neil slapped it on his wrist and they were gone. 

It was colder now, even through his leather jacket he could feel the shiver that wanted to escape him. He was almost ready to call it a night, but Neil looked up at the ferris wheel and asked him if he wanted to go on it. 

“No.” he answered and hoped for Neils sake that he wouldn’t push. 

“Okay.” Neil nodded and they kept walking. Eventually it became obvious that they were done after they walked through the petting zoo. Andrew wasn’t a fan of animals, Neil was though. He seemed to love petting the baby pigs. For a second he saw another small little smile on his face. Not like the one he gave Andrew earlier. This one was smaller and somehow even more real than the other. 

They sat in his car now trying to warm up with the heater cranked and the window just slightly cracked on both sides so they could smoke. He didn’t care much about his car smelling like cigarettes, he liked the smell anyways. Neil must’ve too, more than the nicotine itself, because instead of smoking it, he just held it and breathed it in. Only taking a drag when it was about to go out. 

“So, anything you enjoyed at least a bit?” Neil asked. It didn’t sound patronizing like an ‘ _did i tell you so?’_ or an ‘ _I was right, wasn't i?’_ it just was. 

Andrew shrugged. He was going to keep his end of the deal. He was. He took the slap band off of Neils wrist and a pen from his center console. 

_you didn’t push._

He threw it at Neil and watched Neils reaction through the corner of his eye as he read it. A smile like the one with the damn baby pig. 

Neil placed the band on the center console gently, like he didn’t want to damage it and they left. He drove Neil to the parking lot so that he could break into the car he needed to sleep in. When he parked he pulled himself out of his jacket and threw it at Neil who was already out of the door. “It’s cold. Try not to die.” 

“You too.” Neil smirked and shut the door.   
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title is from tom rosenthals song take care :)


	2. Chapter 2

This house was going to be the cause of Andrews second incarceration. 

Last night he got home late enough for Nicky _and_ Aaron to try and question where he was. He settled for slamming a door in their faces. He took the stupid slap band and put it in his night stand drawer. Luckily he was tired enough to fall asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. 

Getting up wasn’t as easy as falling asleep. If he could cry, he thought he might. Which only makes him more angry. Nothing is wrong. Nothing. Things are better than they’ve been in a while. He can’t cry, but if he could it would be for absolutely no reason and he hates that with everything in him. 

He numbly pulled himself out of his bed. 

Aaron and Nicky still had their questions when they managed to cross paths in the morning. 

He wanted it to be summer again. In summer, Andrew didn’t leave his bed most days till two or three. Aaron _always_ woke up early. Every day he’d skate to the gym and back.

For a while Andrew would wake up early enough to follow him and make sure he wasn’t meeting any dealers but when he realized it was a probably a way for him to spend time _not_ thinking about getting high, he stopped following him.

Nicky doesn’t even have a schedule, now that he thinks about it. Even now he sometimes is up early, or stays up late, sometimes falls asleep at noon to wake up in time to call Erik. He also has a job at Edens every couple of days in the week which doesn’t help his shitty sleep patterns. 

Andrew has everyone in his life figured out. He knows how they think, how they see things, and the things they do, with guesses of why they are that way. The one person who is a mystery: Neil _fucking_ Josten. 

If he has money why doesn’t he find a place to stay? He doubts that’s all the money that’s left. If that’s all that was left he wouldn’t have wasted it at a fair. No, if you were all alone with only that much cash, you’d save it. 

And where would his mom get all that money from? How long have they been dead? Neil Josten is a complete mystery and Andrew doesn’t like not knowing things. 

“I’m just wondering where _you, of_ all people, would go on a Sunday night. You’re never out.” Nicky said over the sound of sizzling and burning bacon. 

“Bacon Nicky.” Aaron warned as he passively spread avocado on his toast. A strange combination that Andrew thought was repulsively healthy. He heavily preferred nothing and extremely sweetened coffee to whatever _the fuck_ an avocado is on toast. 

He downed the last sip of his coffee and left before Nicky could ask anymore questions and he didn’t have to wait around for Aaron since he skates to school. 

He would rather skip school and the whole diploma shit. He’s barely graduating as it is, but he doesn’t care. It’s not like he _can’t_ do it. He knows he’s smart, and with his eidetic memory remembering things isn’t a problem. He’s just tired. No matter how much coffee he drinks or sleep he gets, he’s always tired. 

After four classes and a whole day of him not speaking, him and Aaron walked to their german class. Neil was a year younger but he tested into this one since he already knew some german. Andrew knows Neil is fluent in it. Even if he tries to pretend like he’s not. He can just tell. The way Neil says the words are too natural, almost like Nickys, for him not to be. Plus, with how inconsistent his patterns are when he’s forgetting certain words and rules doesn’t match up. It’s not that odd, Andrew thinks. If he fakes it he won’t have to pick another language to learn or a new elective. 

Neil took his seat next to Andrews, Aaron didn’t sit near them, he sat several seats away pretending as if him and Andrew didn’t even know each other. 

“Hi.” Neil said, chastely. Andrew nodded back in acknowledgment. His face was resting tiredly in his hand. His eyes felt heavy like he could fall asleep right there. He felt as he had the whole day. 

“Can you drive me somewhere today?” Neil asked, pulling Andrew out of his bored gaze. 

“Do I look like your taxi.” Andrew replied with a bored tone. 

“No. You do look grumpy though.” 

“If you're plotting something like the other night, think otherwise.” 

Neil shook his head. “I guess you can call it plot, if you call needing a ride to a laundromat plotting.” 

“Why would I give you a ride to a laundromat?” 

“Because i’m plotting and this is the only way for it to work.” Neil admitted, it sounded like truth. Like fact. And Andrew didn’t understand it. When Andrew didn’t reply Neil amended, “You said you didn’t like liars.” 

He didn’t push and now he’s not lying, Andrew can’t bring himself to trust it but he can’t bring himself to shut down the questions he has either. “Fine.” Andrew answered, sounding as if he had zero interest. He slid his gaze away from Neil and willed himself to not storm out of the class. 

Once school was out Andrew settled on waiting outside for Neil. Leaned up against his car smoking where he wasn’t supposed to be but he didn’t care. Aaron had seen him and asked what he was doing. 

“Smoking.” 

“Right outside the school?” Aaron scoffed. 

“Felt like being defiant.” Andrew shrugged. 

“When don’t you.” Aaron rolled his eyes and with his skateboard tucked under his arm, he left. Perfect timing too since Neil had just come out, this time with a duffel in hand. 

From here and with the sun, Andrew could see just how dirty Neil actually looked. His dark green sweater that was oversized for his short body, had holes and stains here and there. His jeans weren’t as ratty as the shirt, though they did have large holes in the knees and the hems were torn and jagged as they bunched over the torn up running shoes, at least they were his size. 

Andrew thought, a face like his definitely does not deserve clothes like _that._

Andrew didn’t say a word as he got in his car. Neil silently followed. 

Just as Andrew began to pull out, Neil slightly opened his backpack, not his duffel, and pulled out Andrews jacket. “I should wash this before i give it back, right?” 

“I don’t care.” 

“I’m gonna wash it.” Neil decided with a nod, more to himself than to Andrew. 

Their town wasn’t exactly the cleanest, or the nicest, or have the lowest crime rate. It was underfunded and barely being taken care of, definitely not a place a person should be homeless in. But that wasn’t his problem. 

The laundromat was dingy and the warm lights were flickering giving the area an eerie feel. They were the only ones there plus one other person and the clerk. 

Neil carefully and quickly pulled the small amount of clothes he had out of his duffel bag and into the machine. He hasn’t spoken since he asked about the jacket.

“For someone who is supposedly plotting, you haven’t said much.” Andrew wasn’t complaining, but observing. He leaned up against a dryer, his hands in his pockets, wishing he could smoke without setting off the fire alarm, though he doubts the fire alarm actually works. 

“Maybe I was plotting making you my taxi.” Neil replied with a smile tugging at his eyes as he put quarters in the machine. 

“I doubt that.” 

“You’d be right to.” Neil walked over and hopped to sit on a dryer. “What do you think of this town?” 

_There it is._ “Stupid question. It’s just a town.” 

“Sure. If you look at it like that.” Andrew could feel Neils eyes staring at him, but he refused to look back. “I’ve been to a lot of towns and I like this one I think.”

“Makes sense if you like shit holes.” 

“You don’t like shit holes?” Neil asked feigning offense. When Andrew only slid him an annoyed look his way before looking away again, Neil continued, “The people here are interesting.” 

“You don’t talk to the people here.” Andrew pointed out. Neil never spoke to people at school. He didn’t even try. He’d be polite to people but he’d never try to keep a conversation going. He also was not very subtle when he turned girls down. It was almost amusing.

“I talk to you.” 

“Sadly.” 

He heard Neil huff a laugh. “I want coffee. You?” He asked hopping off the dryer, and Andrew shrugged. 

Neil put his duffel into Andrew's car and made sure it was hidden and that Andrew locked the doors. They walked on the sidewalk and smoked until they got to a diner nearby. The diner was a lot like the laundromat. Warm lighting, some flickering with old and dirty tile and the same eerie feeling. 

Neil walked to a booth and once he sat down he said, “I like this place a lot too.” 

“What don’t you like?” Andrew meant it as a jab but by Neils stupid thinking face he figured Neil didn’t take it as one.

“I’ll tell you if you tell me?” Neil offered.

“You think I care enough?” He did. 

“Maybe. I know you have your questions about me. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here.” Neils leg began to bounce and his fingers tapped lightly on the table. 

“If you think that then why keep plotting?” 

“Maybe i’m tired of having so many answers and no one to give them to.” Neil shrugged. 

“You mean secrets.” 

Neil worked his jaw and eventually, “Yes.” 

The waitress appeared putting a pause on their conversation. Neil smiled at her. “Hey, Laurel.” he said kindly. More kind than Andrew has seen him. 

“Hey, Neil.” she smiled warmly. 

Laurel was their age. She was conventionally pretty. And she seemed to be okay enough for Neil to say hi to. Andrew wouldn’t change his attitude towards her though. 

“What can I get you guys?” she asked. Andrew ordered a milkshake and fries. He didn’t want coffee only recently finding out that having it too late makes his dreams worse sometimes and he’d rather not risk it. Neil though, ordered a straight black coffee and nothing else.

When the waitress left Andrew waited a second to say anything. Then, “Heights.” 

Neil nodded. Accepting the small truth. “Knives.” he said quieter than before. Knives and blades were something Andrew knew all too well. He wouldn’t tell Neil that, he never would. 

Andrew nodded. They didn’t ask why. Maybe because they both know neither wanted to answer. What they’ve given up might be small but it’s more than they have anyone else. 

When their food came Neil was still a demon as ever, drinking the black and flavorless coffee. Andrew ate his fries with ranch he had not politely asked for. Neil plucked a fry off of Andrews tray. Andrew lifted an eyebrow in an empty threat and Neil dipped it in his milkshake and ate it. 

“Are you set on putting every appalling food combination into your mouth?” Andrew asked, staring Neil down. 

Neils jaw dropped, “Do not tell me you’ve never dipped your fries into your shake.” 

“I’ve never dipped my fries into my shake.” Andrew replied dryly.

“We are changing that today. Try it.”

Andrew lazily rolled his eyes at the request but picked up a fry and tried it. _Fuck. He was right_. “This changes nothing. Your taste buds are still cursed.” 

“Whatever you say.” Neil let out a small laugh, it barely qualified as a laugh but Andrew still heard it. 

After they ate and Neil had a small conversation with Laurel while Andrew had a smoke, they went back to the laundromat to put his clothes into the dryer. They still had time to kill and Andrew couldn’t decide how he felt about that. He just knew he wasn’t ready to go home yet. 

Neil guided him to a place he described as ‘ _super secret special surprise place’._ To which Andrew replied, “I don’t like surprises.” 

“Maybe you’ll like this one?” Neil asked. Andrew wouldn’t show it, would never say it, barely acknowledge this himself: But he was glad he asked. 

“Lead the way, Josten.” Andrew jerked his head forward for him to continue. Neil smiled a bit, hardly noticeable if you weren’t paying attention, but Andrew constantly caught himself paying attention. 

They walked as the sun was nearly setting. Even though the darker it was the more dangerous it got, Neil didn’t seem to mind. He eventually stopped at a bookstore. 

“Didn’t take you as the reading type.” Andrew huffed as they walked through the doors of the dark and warmly lit room. It smelled of old books and cinnamon candles. It was nice. 

“I didn’t used to be, but I was trying to pass some time and ended up here.” Andrew hummed in acknowledgement and Neil went to a shelf. “You might like this one.” and he handed him a book. 

Andrew read the back and saw it was a coming of age book and stared at Neil. “It made me like reading.” Neil shrugged. “Also made me see things better.” 

He didn’t expect Neil to read Young Adult books. If he were to peg Neil for any genre it would be old boring literature. He doesn’t know much about books but that’s just what he thought. 

Neil bought the book. “I doubt you’d want to read it here like I did.” He passed Andrew the book and Andrew thought he wouldn’t mind coming here to read everyday. It was quiet. There were people but they all seemed to be in their own world.

“Or you might. I liked it.” Neil added as he sat down on one of the wooden tables. 

“If you have money why don’t you find some place to stay?” Andrew decided to ask. 

Neils face changed to something unreadable and _almost_ feigning indifference. After a moment he said, “Will you answer one of my questions if i do?

Andrew nodded. It was fair. Secrets for secrets. Truths for truths. 

“It’s easier.” Neil said eventually. “No one can ask questions.” 

No questions. Like asking where his parents are? That makes sense, but Andrew doesn’t think that’s all there is to it. Where would his mom get the money and why would she leave it all in cash and leave him all alone? “Somehow you’ve managed to become more of a mystery.” 

Neil didn’t say anything to that. He took a breath and said, “My turn.” Andrew didn’t think it was necessary to reply and Neil continued, “I’ve heard rumors about you,” he paused. “Where were you before you came here?” 

Easy enough to answer. “Foster care in California.”

Neil processed that, “I don’t like California.” 

“Me neither.” 

“Glad we agree.” Neil smiled. 

They still had time to kill so they sat in silence. Neil picked up a book and Andrew opened the book Neil gave him. He was immediately hooked. He liked the way the words went together. Like it wasn’t just _words,_ it was art. He was almost disappointed when Neil had said that they should get going. 

After getting his jacket and Neils clothes out of the dryer and back into his duffel, Andrew had to drive Neil back to the parking lot that had the car he broke into just so he could sleep. It didn’t sit right with him. But it's _not_ his problem. He drove him there refusing to feel. Now was not the time for that.

“Alright,” Neil started when Andrew parked the car. He dug through his pockets. “Just one thing you liked.” He pulled out the receipt from the diner.

“This is stupid.” 

“Yes.” Neil agreed. 

Andrew took the receipt and the same pen from the other night. He thought about it. It was also a test. To see if Neil would be smug. To see if he knows when not to be and when to be. 

_French fries dipped in a fucking milkshake_

He placed it on the center console and Neil had to tilt his head to read it and nodded in approval. “Thank you.” Neil said, voice low. He got out of the car, shutting the door. The window was open so he could hear Neil as he walked backwards shouting, “Don’t think i’m done plotting yet!” 

Andrew didn’t feel right leaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the book he gave him was aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe bc i make the rules and i want them to read it 😌


	3. Chapter 3

Today was a good day. Not exactly _good_ but as good as good can get for Andrew. He didn’t wake up having to force himself to get out. He felt almost relaxed. He didn’t feel like bad feelings were going to overwhelm him and he didn’t feel obligated to do anything today given it was a saturday. 

He finished the book Neil gave him in just a couple of days and decided maybe reading wasn’t so bad that he wouldn’t mind reading another. He didn’t have some sort of life epiphany like Neil probably did but it did make him curious about more things than one. 

The whole week he and Neil had been talking here and there. Random conversations with absolutely no meaning but they weren’t all too bad. Aaron gave him strange looks, though. It wasn’t like Andrew to talk to people, but no one was as interesting enough to talk to, or figure out.

“All i’m saying is: if i were an animal i would want to be a dog in a rich person's house.” 

“Neil, tell me you understand how idiotic you sound.” 

Neil called him, apparently he was bored. 

“Okay i understand but that’s not the point. These kids just don’t get it.” 

He was also bored while sitting in a park. 

“They’re 5.” 

“And?” Neil said in total seriousness. “What about you, give me a good one.” 

“A fly.” 

“A fly? It’s not even an animal. Why?” he asked in a pained tone of voice.

“Because their lifespan is a month.” 

“Jesus fucking christ.” Neil laughed. “Okay but choose an actual animal.” 

“This is dumb.” 

“Says the person who chose a _fly._ ”

“Fine. A bird.” 

“Now that’s a good choice.” Neil agreed and Andrew could almost see his smile through the phone. “You should come to the park with me. Feeding ducks alone is boring.”

“You’re feeding ducks.” It was more of a question for Andrew but it came out like a statement, as most of his questions do. 

“No, but i want to.” 

Andrew hung up and grabbed his keys off his nightstand. He wondered what he was going to put with the receipt and slap band next, but he stopped when he felt that was dumb and pointless. 

“Where are you going?” Aaron asked as Andrew put on his jacket. When Andrew didn’t answer Aaron continued, “It’s Neil, right?” 

Andrew sent him an uninterested glare and made his way for the door. It wasn’t anyone’s business. 

He pulled into the park and almost, _almost,_ felt himself smile as he watched Neil being chased by a goose. 

“Fuck off.” Neil gritted out as he threw a bag of bread at the goose. That must’ve been what it was after since it immediately stopped and went after the bread, as did several other geese. 

“How do you manage to even piss off the geese.” Andrew said walking up to Neil who was lying with his back on the ground as he caught his breath. 

“Fuck if i know.” Neil replied with heavy breathing. Andrew watched him stand up and brush himself off. “I am not a fan of geese.” 

Andrew shrugged, “They’re not that bad.” He couldn’t lie to himself, this was funny. 

“Fuck you.” Neil said with no heat and a small laugh. 

“Since you’re no longer feeding ducks, I might as well leave.” Andrew knew Neil had something else planned but it never hurt to make himself hard to get. 

“You think I only had feeding ducks planned? I told you I'm not done plotting.” He jogged over to the bench his backpack was sitting on. Andrew noticed Neil leaving his duffel bag in his locker at school. When he asked why, Neil said it’s the only place around with a lock. He’ll take what he needs for the night and stuff the duffel back in his locker. Andrew isn’t sure what else is in it besides clothes but he’s sure that’s not all. 

Andrew followed Neil slowly. Neil zipped open his backpack and Andrew was met with snacks, what he thinks is a blanket under all of it, and a flashlight. 

“What do you have planned now?” Andrew sighed. 

“We’re going to look at stars.” Neil flicked his eyebrows up and smiled. When Andrew sent Neil a questionable look, Neil explained, “I have pulled _a lot_ of all nighters, but I never appreciated the stars and it’s on my list of things to appreciate. So why not now?” 

“Of course you have a list of things you need to appreciate.” 

“Just like how you have a list of things to live for.” 

Andrew didn’t say anything to that. 

Neil cleared his throat and said, “All right so you have a car, and a license. I have neither. So you lead the way.” 

“It’s not even dark yet.” Andrew knew it was just a little after 4:00pm. 

“Gives us time to find a good place.” 

Andrew shrugged, “Okay.” 

They drove around for a while to nowhere in particular. Neil played classic rock saying that his mom used to listen to it a lot. Andrew didn’t like classic rock, he liked things that were either so quiet they helped calm him down, or so loud he wouldn’t be able to feel a fucking thing. But he didn’t mind watching and listening to Neil singing stupid lyrics. He didn’t sing them loudly like he wanted to be heard, he sang them simply just to sing. Andrew thought for just one second: Someone like _this_ is too much for someone like _me_. 

Eventually Neil found a place he thought he’d like. It was a small bridge that was barely off the ground. Underneath was a small lake and rocks surrounding it. There was a gazebo made of stone with a railing at the end of the bridge almost on the pier of the lake. It was barely dark and the sun was setting with a symphony of different colors. Pink, blue, orange, and yellow. Neil seemed to notice it all too. 

“This is perfect.” he smiled and grabbed his backpack out of the back seat and began to jog towards the gazebo. Andrew walked to follow him.

“Think we can climb up this?” He asked pointing towards the roof while holding onto the gazebos railing. 

“I know I can.” Andrew grunted. It wasn’t too high at all. Even if he did fall the chances of breaking anything was incredibly small and there was even a railing at the top. 

“Alright.” Neil smirked and climbed like a damn spider monkey up the industrial rails and bars. 

Andrew climbed after him with little to no effort and Neil gave him a puzzled look. “You really are naturally good at everything aren’t you?”

“Flattery gets you nowhere with me.” 

“Doesn’t hurt to try.” 

Neil laid out the blanket after pulling out the haul of snacks he had bought and sat down, crossing his legs and began to list the snacks he got off: “I bought chips, the barbecue kind obviously, gummy worms, not bears because they’re not as fun to eat, chocolate for you, i also got hot cheetos just because you look like a hot cheeto person, and beef jerky.”

Andrew sat down with an arm propped up on his knee and looked at Neil with a question on his face. 

“What? I didn’t know what you liked. Plus, I can eat the leftovers.” 

Andrew rolled his eyes as he reached for the bag of hot cheetos. Neil opened the bag of jerky and for a while they just sat and watched the rest of the sunset. Andrew thought: this isn’t too bad. His heart jumped in his throat at the realization he did enjoy this. He didn’t want to think about it. He _won’t_ get attached. He won’t let anyone be his answer again. You can’t let someone be the source of your happiness or they _will_ let you down.

“What are you thinking right now?” Neil asked, putting an end to the silence. 

Andrew took a while to think of how to phrase it. Neil didn’t mind, he just kept staring at the sky. 

Eventually Andrew said, “Nothing.” 

“I thought you didn't lie.” Neil scoffed.

“I don’t. It doesn’t mean anything so it’s nothing.”

“You can say that about a ton of things. Or, you can see it as everything matters. Otherwise what’s the point of people who don’t push and french fries in milkshakes. If those things matter, then so does everything else. Do you get what i’m saying or do i sound stupid?” 

“You always sound stupid. But I get it.” He understood what Neil was saying but he didn’t know how to apply the thought process. He didn’t know how to be able to let himself think things mattered because the last time he did that he nearly killed himself to hold on to it and he won’t do that again. 

“I’m thinking about how i don’t miss my mom.” Andrew could sense he wanted to ramble so he turned his head to look at Neil as he spoke. “I should miss her since she’s all i had, but if she didn’t die I wouldn’t be who i’m turning into now, and I think I like the person i’m becoming.” He paused and took a breath. “I never liked who I was because I was never anything. I was nothing and I didn’t matter, but now it’s different.” 

“What changed?”

“I don’t want to die. Especially knowing how hard my mom fought to keep me alive but i refuse to live miserable.” 

“You make it sound easy.” 

“It’s the hardest thing i’ve ever done.” Neil laughed. 

“That’s saying something from a man who just got attacked by a goose.” 

Neil laughed again, harder this time. It made Andrew want to smile for the second time that day. 

_This is not going to end well._

It was finally dark enough for stars to start coming out. They laid back and it was a peaceful silence that made Andrew feel like he could breathe. No restrictions or responsibilities in the moment. No deal with Aaron or the fear that he would relapsed. No fear of Nicky getting hurt every time he leaves the house because he doesn’t know how to censor himself anymore. There was no weight on his shoulders and he can’t remember the last time he had felt like this. 

After a long while, maybe hours, maybe several long minutes, Andrew wasn’t sure, he asked Neil, “How did your mom die?” 

Neil turned his head to look at Andrew. They were both facing each other as they lied back. They were a safe distance apart but it was still alarmingly close for Andrew. 

“That ones gonna cost you.” Neil whispered. Whispering wasn’t needed but it felt right. Andrew nodded in agreement and Neil said, “Some bad people were after her, eventually they caught her.” 

“They’re after you too?” 

Neil took in a sharp breath. “And the money.” 

Andrew felt a pang in his chest he didn’t want. He was running which meant it wouldn’t be long before Neil had to move on. “How long can you stay here?” 

“I don’t know. I’ve already stayed longer than I should. I’m not ready to go yet.” 

Andrew nodded. He wouldn’t tell Neil to stay. He didn’t need him to stay. He didn’t need anyone. 

“Why was coach Trejo so set on having you tryout for the exy team?” 

“Really? That’s what you’re asking?” 

“I like exy.” Neil smiled small with a shy shrug. 

“A pig put in a good word when I moved here. Every now and then the coach asks me to try out. Saw some tapes of me playing in juvie. Let’s hope for his sake the shiv I pulled on him was enough to make him stop.” 

“That good, huh?” Neil teased with a smile. “I used to play exy.” His smile fell into something sad. 

“Why don’t you now?” 

“Mom wasn’t a fan. Told me to obsess from afar.” 

“She’s not here now is she.” 

Neil shook his head. “I’m not ready for that yet.” Andrew nodded and after a couple seconds of silence Neil asked, “Why were you in juvie?” 

Andrew waited a beat and thought if he was okay with sharing this. This wasn’t a small revelation he would share, but Neil was going to leave anyway so what would it matter. He’d never had to see him again. They would keep each other’s secrets to themselves, no one else. 

“A foster brother didn’t understand the boundaries of brotherly love.” Andrew started unsure of how to continue. “He was more than excited to find out about Aaron. I got myself arrested so they’d never meet.” He made sure to speak with a disconnect of emotions. He sure as fuck wasn’t looking for pity and he didn’t want to make it sound like it hurts. 

Neil just looked at Andrew. His face was unchanged but searching. Andrew for a second thought he shared too much and was annoyed with Neil until Neil spoke. “You’re the strongest person i’ve ever met, you know?” 

Neil said it casually. As if the weight of those words weren’t enough to make some of Andrews' sturdiest walls fall. Andrew turned away and looked back at the sky. He was doing it all over again except this time he knew for a fact it wouldn’t last. 

They stayed out almost all night. Andrew remembers seeing the stars before his heavy eyes closed and he slept. 

He woke up with a start and hearing Neil let out a pained cough. It wasn’t too bright outside but the sun was rising. He wasn’t apologetic, looking at Neil doubled over holding his gut. It wasn’t his fault. 

“Morning to you too.” Neil said in a groan. But he let go of his stomach. 

Andrew wrapped his jacket around himself tighter. The cold morning air wasn’t a pleasant thing to wake up to. 

“We should get back.” Neil said shoving all the leftover snacks into his backpack. He took the blanket when Andrew stood but didn’t put it in his bag. He carefully stepped down the railing with the blanket under his arm. Andrew followed him down wordlessly.

They got to Andrews car and immediately he blasted the heater and Neil curled up in the passenger seat, draping his blanket over himself. 

After the long drive, Neil was still asleep and Andrew decided to get breakfast through a drive thru. He got two breakfast burritos and left Neils in the bag while he slept. 

Andrew pulled into Neils parking lot, a thing he was finding himself dreading more and more. He nudged Neil awake and he woke with a start but wasn’t nearly as violent as Andrew was. 

Andrew pointed vaguely towards the paper bag of food. Neil rubbed his eyes and yawned. “Nice.” He grabbed the bag and then the door handle before he abruptly stopped. “I almost forgot my favorite part.” He looked through the paper bag and pulled out a napkin. 

Andrew rolled his eyes but grabbed the pen he now kept in one of the cup holders and took the napkin. 

_My newfound liking for geese._

Neil looked at it and laughed hoarsely since he had just woken up. “Dick.” He said with almost a fondness that made Andrew want to scream at him. “So far you have: People who don’t push, french fries dipped in a milkshake, and _geese_.” Neil paused. “I Love this list.” he hit the back of his head once lightly on the headrest. He opened the door and said “Bye, Andrew.”

Andrew decided he didn’t like the word bye. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the most self indulgent chapter yet boys

Andrew has a list of things about himself that frustrate him. He understands it’s pointless and that it does nothing but he can’t stop himself from thinking about it. He’s beginning to hate lists. 

At the top of his list:

1- The inability to sleep at the moment 

2- His flawless memory 

3- His unhelpful attraction to a certain runaway who he refuses to name 

4- How he couldn’t give less of a shit about his future. 

He hasn’t gone to school in a week. Nicky understood, he tried to get Andrew to eat and drink but Andrew was annoyed with the unwanted kindness and told him to fuck off.

Neil had called him to make sure he wasn’t dead and on the second day Andrew said simply: _I'm tired. Are you seriously gonna call everyday?_ To which Neil responded: _Wait and find out._

He called everyday. 

Andrew knows he has to graduate, but he just doesn’t care, but he wants to care, but most importantly: He wants to stop wanting. He knows not to want, he _never_ gets the things he wants so why set yourself up for failure? He was actively working on this issue of his, until said certain runaway from the list of things that frustrates him decided to show up. 

Now it’s harder. Because Neil constantly _wants_. Even if he knows he can’t have them he just does. He hates how much it’s rubbing off on him. He hates Neil. 

He hates that he’s in bed, unable to sleep, not wanting to think anymore, and the first thing he thinks of to make it all just _stop_ is talking to Neil. It was 2 in the morning and if Neil were asleep the ring would definitely wake him up, but Andrew was an asshole like that and called anyway.

Neil picked up after the third ring. “Hey.” his voice was probably hoarse from sleep. “Everything alright?” 

Andrew hummed in luea of a yes, “I couldn’t sleep.” 

“Not surprised since you spent the whole week sleeping.” Neil snorted. 

“I couldn’t do anything else.” 

“I know.” Neil said more somberly. It wasn’t pity, he had never heard pity in Neils voice, especially directed at him. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Just talk. You’re good at that.” 

Neil went on a whole talk about astrology signs. He read a book on it and now it’s his new favorite topic. He explains how he likes the idea of stars and planets deciding what you’re like.

“Planets have to know more than us. They’ve been around since the beginning of time haven't they?”

“For someone who spent their whole life thinking they’re nothing, you’re a lot of something.” 

He could hear Neils smile through the phone. “Oscar Wilde once said that if you know what you want to be, then you inevitably become it, but if you never know, then you can be anything.” 

“What if someone doesn’t like the person they are?” 

“He also said knowing was a punishment.” 

Andrew huffed, “Of course he did.” 

“Who do you think you are?” 

Andrew shrugged though Neil couldn’t see it, “I’m just me.” he conveyed a small tone of annoyance.

“I like just you.” 

“You shouldn’t.” 

“Even better.” 

“I hate you.” 

“I know.” Neil said _almost_ fondly. “I don’t think you’re as bad as you think you are. Maybe sometimes when people are around bad so often they begin to believe they are. Maybe they’ve been around so much bad they can’t see any good because they don’t know what it looks like.” 

“And how exactly did you find a way to see the good?” 

“I’ve spent my whole life running from the bad, I know it when i see it. I don’t see it with you.”

Andrew didn’t say anything and instead he began to listen to the rain drops hitting his window.

“Is it raining where you’re at too?” Neil asked.

“It is.” He was so tired. 

“Wanna come pick me up?” 

_I shouldn’t be driving._ He was debating on saying, because he shouldn’t. Especially when it’s raining and there’s too many opportunities for another _accident_. But Neil said, “Actually. I’ll be right there.” 

“You’re going to walk in the rain? Idiot.” 

“I like the rain and it’s only sprinkling _and_ it’s only a 5 minute walk to your house.” 

Neil had come over just once for a project when he first moved here. He was surprised Neil would be able to remember his way there.

“I’m not hanging up. I _might_ need directions.” 

“Whatever.” 

He listened to Neil talk to himself about which ways to go and didn’t actually end up helping him since Neil wasn’t that bad with remembering places. 

“And now i’m at your door. You coming?” 

“Give me a second.” Andrew sighed. He made sure to grab his packet of cigarettes. He wasn’t sure how he’d make it through the night without them. 

He was in his sweats and a long sleeve sweater and settled for putting on old black converse. He told himself this was better than being alone with his thoughts and he snuck down the stairs. He knew exactly how to not be heard. He didn’t even try anymore, it just came naturally. 

He grabbed his jacket off the hook before opening the door to a shivering cold Neil. He rolled his eyes and grabbed another jacket off the hook, probably Aaron’s, and threw it at Neil. 

“Thanks.” Neil said, putting on the jacket. Andrew lit a smoke, putting it between his lips he pulled another one out for Neil and lit it for him before Neil took it from his fingers. They sat down under the porch where the rain couldn’t touch them as they smoked.

“I don’t have a plot for tonight.” Neil said. His voice rough against the soft sound of the rain hitting the pavement. Andrew was too tired to think of something to say so he hummed in acknowledgement. “But it’s nice anyways isn’t it?” Neil asked, leaning back a little on his elbows. 

Andrew shook his head. Neil looked at him for a long moment until he sat back up. “Can I?” he asked. At first Andrew was confused, then he looked down and saw Neils hand waiting for Andrews. 

Andrew didn’t answer immediately. It wasn’t normal for people to ask to hold his hand, it wasn’t normal for people to ask to touch him. No one had ever asked to hold his hand before. He began to overthink why Neil would want to. Before he could get too lost in his thoughts he nodded. He wondered what it felt like. 

Neil grabbed his hand then stood up, dragging a willing Andrew with him, and then they were out in the pouring rain. Neil was still holding his hand and Andrew couldn’t decide what to feel more: the feeling of the harsh drops of rain pounding on to his skin, or the soft grip Neil had on his skin that silently told Andrew: _I'm here._

He decided for just a single second, to let it all consume him. He closed his eyes and he tilted his head up. He breathed in and out. He felt the way the cold air hit his face with the harsh droplets of rain that left a tingle in their wake, and the gust of wind that was strong enough to make it difficult to take a full breath. He stood there an age and for the first time in a while he could feel himself coming back to life. Then the rain died down, and with it so did Andrew. 

Andrew pulled his hand away from Neils and walked back to the porch and sat back down. 

Neil followed eventually. Drenched in rainwater and suppressing shivers, Andrew lit himself another smoke, he knew Neil wouldn't want one since he really only cared for the smell. Andrew thought Neil must be loving the smell of smoke and the rain. Neil loved a lot of things. 

After a long silence Neil let out a sigh and asked, “What do you want to do after you graduate?” 

Which just so happens to be the worst possible question he could ask. 

“Pointless to think about.” 

“No. Setting goals isn’t pointless.”

“And what’s yours? Making it past the age 18?” 

“I would hope it’s yours too.”

“Hope.” Andrew scoffed. “You hope. You want. You feel. It must be exhausting.” 

“I wonder if it’s as exhausting as repressing every emotion you get is?”

“Believe me, it’s not.” 

“Why do you do it?” He sounded more frustrated than usual. 

“Do what?” 

Neil held back a flash of annoyance. “Forget it.” 

Andrew knew what Neil wanted to ask: _Why do you pretend you don’t care_ and to that Andrew would say: _I’m not pretending._ A lie. 

A part of him wonders what it would be like if he could be what Neil is: Strong but delicate. Tough but soft. All Andrew is is bloody wounds and bruised knuckles. There’s nothing pretty or poetic about that, but he bets Neil could make it that way. 

Putting his smoke out Andrew said, “We should get in.” and he stood up. Neil hopped to his feet and began to walk away from the house. Andrew rolled his eyes, “You can’t sleep in a car while you’re soaking wet, idiot.” 

“Not many other options are there?” 

Andrew made a small but pointed look towards the front door and Neils eyes widened a bit in realization. “It’s not safe if i sleep here.” 

“You fell asleep in the middle of nowhere just last weekend. But whatever you say.” Andrew shrugged. 

“That was an accident. Notice I woke us up at the asscrack of dawn to get us out of there.” 

“Annoyingly so, yes.” 

Neil bit his lip thinking it over. “Just long enough for my clothes to dry?” 

Andrew didn’t answer. He walked back to the door, leaving it up to Neil to decipher it as a yes. Which he just so happened to do. 

He followed Andrews movements in hanging his jacket up by hanging Aaron’s jacket back on the hook and followed Andrew up the stairs.

Neil wasn’t as quiet as Andrew was. You wouldn’t be able to tell by sound if Andrew were walking by, but Neil wasn’t the same. He didn’t know which floorboards creaked but he was pretty good on being soft footed and lightly padding, without shoes maybe he’d be silent. 

Andrew's bedroom was what he thought should be the poster bedroom for the depressed youth. There were dirty clothes all over the floor, cups of water and mugs of old coffee scattered on surfaces. His desk was neat, if you took away the socks and shoes he was too lazy to neatly place by the door so he settled for tossing them onto the desk. 

He flipped on a small lamp to warmly light the room instead of the main light from his ceiling fan that was too bright for him to handle most of the time. 

Neil didn’t even look twice at the mess. He stood behind Andrew while he was pulling dry clothes out for Neil and noticed he had absolutely no clean shirts. They were all dirty and on his floor. He hadn’t done laundry in a _very_ long time. 

“I don’t have any clean shirts.” Andrew said tossing Neil a pair of sweatpants. All of Andrew's sweatpants were long on him, and since Neil only had an inch on him, they’ll fit but they’ll be long. 

Neil looked conflicted. He bit his lip like he wanted to say something but was holding it back or trying to figure out what to say. “I need a shirt.” 

Not that Andrew was _complaining_ but he wouldn’t exactly _mind_ Neil walking around shirtless. Doesn’t hurt to just look. 

“Your options are all here.” Andrew flicked a look to the floor.

Neil took a deep breath and let out a sigh and a shrug as he went for the floor. Andrew decided Neil was serious about wearing a shirt enough to wear one of _those_ and decided to take the thin hoodie that was hanging on his desk chair that wasn’t seriously dirty and didn’t smell since he never wore it and threw it at Neil. 

Neil faltered a little to catch it since he was half turned when Andrew threw it. Neil nodded his thanks and asked where the bathroom was. When Neil left, Andrew changed into new sweats and picked up a lesser smelling long sleeve shirt where the sleeves were so long they hit his fingertips, off the floor. His bands weren’t soaking wet since he had a jacket on and a sweater, but water must’ve found its way in since they were damp. It made his scars itchy and uncomfortable so he took them off and planned to put them in the dryer with Neils clothes. As long as he was wearing a long sleeve he didn’t mind too much. 

Neil came back in and asked where the washer and dryer was. Andrew pointed in response and gave Neil his wet clothes with his bands not exactly _hidden_ but tucked away in his jeans. 

Andrew didn’t care since Neil was just doing laundry, so he got into bed and turned on his computer to put a crime show on to fall asleep to. 

He was still awake when Neil made his way back to Andrews room. 

“What are you watching?” He asked looking at the computer Andrew had facing towards him.

“Criminal Minds.” He scooted a bit over on the full sized mattress to see if Neil wanted to sit and watch. Neil took the subtle hint and mirrored Andrew by laying on his side and looking down at the computer. Neil was a little lost in details but was catching on pretty quick and only asked Andrew one question, figuring out the rest he missed by himself. 

Eventually, Andrew noticed Neil paying less attention to the screen and more attention to Andrew's face. He could feel him staring and he wasn’t sure if Neil even knew he was doing it. “Stop.” Andrew said without moving his eyes from the screen. 

“Stop what?”

“That.”

“Looking at you?”

Andrew turned to look at Neil, now closer than usual, and gave him an annoyed glare that only Neil would be able to figure out was annoyance and not just his unamused resting face. He hates how much Neil is able to read him, but it works out for him sometimes. 

“I like looking at you.” Neil shrugged.

Andrew pushed Neils face away but Neil turned right back with a shy smile on his face now. Neils face turned smug when he said, “It’s not a crime to look at you like you're someone worth looking at.” He glanced just for a second and the screen where a crime scene was showing, “Now _that’s_ a crime.” 

“Stop talking before i do something stupid.” Andrew made a small glance down to Neils lips. If Neil noticed then so be it, and if he didn’t, oh well. 

“How stupid?” 

“Stupid enough to make you leave.” 

“I doubt you could.” 

Andrew huffed in disagreement and Neils face suddenly grew... _different._

“Try and find out.” Neil said in a whisper, almost like he was out of breath. When Neil made a not so subtle glance down at Andrews lips, Andrew didn’t waste a second. He kissed Neil. 

Neil obviously had no experience, but he made up for it with enthusiasm and feeling. So much feeling. He let Andrew take him apart however he wanted to and happily went along with it. He pulled away for just one second. Out of breath and low he said, “Hands to yourself. Got it.” And Neil nodded in agreement and shoved his hands into the pockets of the sweats he was wearing. His eyes hungry and wanting as he waited for Andrew to lean back in, and Andrew did, this time with a hand on Neil's neck.

Andrew carefully slid his hand from Neil's neck to Neils hip and the fast and aggressive kisses slowly turned into lazy and careful kissing and Andrew couldn’t find a reason to complain at the moment. He only knew the feeling of the chapped lips that every now and then had to force a smile down to keep kissing, against his.

Soon they both grew tired. By now the clothes in the dryer had to be done but even when they pulled away from each other Neil made no move to leave. Instead, he took his hands out of his pockets and lifted it to Andrew's face. He didn’t make a move to touch him though, “Can I?” He whispered. 

Andrew thought about it and nodded. Neil slowly placed his thumb and first two fingers onto Andrew's face and began to lightly trace his face with a gentleness that was unknown to Andrew, and maybe to Neil too. 

Andrew knew he was drifting off to sleep to the feeling of Neils soft touches but he didn’t care. He was so tired. No. Exhausted. Now he was exhausted. He wouldn’t be able to fall asleep like this but he would be able to be lulled to half consciousness. Neil must’ve noticed how tired Andrew was since he felt him withdrawal his hand. 

Andrew has never been more calm. He knows he should be worried. Neil is not someone he needs to depend on. But mixed with the feeling of the rain earlier, the tingling feeling Neils fingertips left on his face, and the weight of Neils lips on his mouth, he decided he would worry about it tomorrow. 

The one thing he doesn’t like about sleep: Being woken up. His eyes shot open as he heard his door creak. He had to look over Neils head who also had woken and saw a surprised Aaron holding his jacket. 

“What the fuck is Josten doing here?” he asked with more confusion in his voice than anything else. 

Neil sat up and rubbed his eyes, “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

Aaron eyed them suspiciously then huffed, “Why is my jacket soaked? It’s freezing fucking cold out there and this is my only good one.” 

“Don’t go out during the coldest time of day maybe.” Andrew suggested sitting up a little more. “Get out.” Aaron didn’t argue but he did slam the door shut as he left. 

Neil twisted to look at Andrew and his face went soft. “Your hair.” Neils smile grew. 

Andrew plopped back into his pillow. His voice was half muffled against the pillow, “You’re not exactly looking like a million dollars either.” 

“That’s what one hour of sleep will get you.” Neil shut the computer that showed the infamous: ‘ _are you still watching?’_ screen and moved it to the floor. He plopped back down with his forearm tucked under his head and they just looked. Andrew wasn’t entirely sure at what, but he didn’t feel like looking away. 

A small bit of sunlight peeked through the curtains and onto Neils brown hair and brown eyes that Andrew was sure were contacts. He had this thought about them for a while. He wondered what they looked like underneath. He wasn’t surprised Neil wore them, he was a kid on the run, nothing about him was real. He was nothing. Just a dream. 

Andrew put his thumb under one of Neils eyes, “Take those out.”

“I-” Neil went to argue but quickly shut his mouth. “Okay.” he nodded. Neil sat back up and Andrew leaned up on his elbow. He watched Neil dig the contacts out of his eyes and put them on the nightstand. He blinked a lot before looking back at Andrew. 

Blue. They were a vivid and bright blue. This fit him more than the dull brown could ever. 

Neil sunk down to Andrews level and Andrew studied his eyes, planning on remembering every shade of blue his eyes held. “These are better.” Andrew said, conveying zero emotion as usual. 

“You should see them with my hair.” Neil huffed amused. Andrew knew it was dye.

Andrew lifted an amused brow and said, “And what color would that be?”

“Guess.” 

“How could I guess when it’s covered up by cheap boxed dye.”

“Just tell me what i look like.” 

Andrew sighed, “You don’t seem like a blonde.”

Neil shook his head. “Not a look for me. Probably my type though.” he laughed a bit and Andrew rolled his eyes.

“Ginger.” Andrew said, smug. 

“We got a winner.” Neil said, impressed. “Alright, my turn.”

“Was that really a truth worth a trade?” 

“I’ve never told anyone else that before.”

“Fair enough.” Even though most of the things Neil said he had never told anyone else before Andrew guessed it must’ve been at least a little difficult if he thinks it’s worth a question.

“Why do you wear the bands?” maybe not that worth it. “Don’t say to keep you and Aaron apart as a joke. I know that’s not it.”

Andrew paused. Tapped his fingers against the bed. He thought of what to say. He could tell Neil to ask another question, he knew Neil would stand down since Andrew hadn’t said that about any other question and it wasn’t like any of the other questions were easy either, but he also knew Neil wouldn’t see it like other people would. 

“There’s something there I'd rather not have people see. Sometimes people take certain things they don’t understand as weakness and as much as I'd love to be underestimated, sometimes it’s not worth it.” 

Neil nodded in understanding. “Can I see?”

“No.” 

“Okay.” Neil accepted that with no hint of resentment on his face. “I think i know what you mean.” Andrew remembered Neils need for a shirt and thought maybe Neil had even more to hide and was hit with the realization that he might never have enough time to figure it out. 

“I should go.” Neil sighed, unhappily looking at the clock that read 7:19 am. Andrew nodded as he closed his eyes. He opened them back up when he felt Neil adjusting on the bed and said, “Hey.” 

“What?” 

“You not gonna kiss me goodbye or anything?” Andrew hated the way Neil tried and failed to hide his laugh. 

“Clingy much.” 

“No. Not _clingy._ Just…” Neil paused to think of a word. “ _appreciative_.”

“Sure.” Andrew said sarcastically as he leaned himself up just barely an inch from Neils lips. He grabbed Neils chin and said, “I don’t do morning breath.” and lightly pushed Neil's face as he plopped back down. He really did like being an asshole. 

“Asshole.” Neil smiled. He heard Neil open the door and leave. Not too long after he heard his door open again. “I keep forgetting my favorite part.” Neil said as he dug into his jeans pockets. He pulled out a hershey kisses wrapper. _How ironic_. “This’ll work.” he shrugged, grabbing a pen off of Andrews desk. 

Andrew rolled his eyes taking the items. Neil looked down while he wrote and softened a bit.

_Rain._

“I’ll see you later, Minyard.” 

This was gonna hurt like a fucking bitch. 


	5. Chapter 5

Neil Josten was a menace. An absolute chaotic mess. Stirring the fucking pot whenever he felt like it. 

“He asked me about getting you to play exy.” Aaron had said. “Told me you’re being difficult about the subject.” 

He wasn’t being difficult. He was just stating he doesn’t care about it enough to play it. He only played it in the first place because it was better than a cell. Him and Neil agreed Neil would shut the fuck up about it if Andrew showed him the video his parole officer took of him playing. 

Aaron’s on the exy team. At first it was a way for him to get out of the house and away from Tilda. Now he’s trying, and horribly failing, to get a sports scholarship. Aaron’s good, but not _that_ good. It’s a better circumstance than before at least. 

“Why does he even care?” Andrew was pulled out of his thoughts by Aaron’s voice. 

“Maybe he has a thing for Andrew.” Nicky said with excitement, wiggling his eyebrows in a suggestive motion as he rested his elbows on the kitchen counter with his chin in his hands. 

“Not everyone is gay Nicky.” Aaron rolled his eyes. 

Nicky pushed himself up off the resting position on the counter and walked to the fridge to pull out an avocado. Aaron introduced him to avocado toast and it seems to be the only thing he knows how to eat now. Putting bread in the toaster, Nicky amended, “I’m not saying _everyone_ is gay, but from what i’m hearing he could be the type. Plus I'd like to think a pretty face like his swings my way.” Nicky grinned.

“Underage.” Aaron passively added and Nicky predictably ignored his comment. “Why dont you play exy anyway?” Aaron asked, trying to make it look like he wasn’t that interested. Andrew knew better. 

“It’s boring.”

“You could get a scholarship.” 

“Why would i want that?” 

“I dunno, to get a job.” Aaron rolled his eyes and acted like _Andrew_ was being the annoying one. 

“I don’t need a degree for that.” 

“We both know you could do it anyway. You missed a whole week of class and still have straight A’s.” Now Aaron was almost angry. No he was definitely angry, he was just trying to hide it. 

“You get good enough grades. Get your scholarship off that.” Andrew rolled his eyes and grabbed his pack back and keys to leave. Aaron’s voice made him pause.

“They don’t give academic scholarships out to people like me.” 

When Aaron was with Tilda, he was angry at the world, his mom, his life. He took all that anger out on people. He got in fights, got suspended, all the things that go on record. Andrew knew Aaron was right. He left without a word.

He knew what drove Aaron. He didn’t want to be known as the kid with a drug addict and abusive mom from their small apartment in a low income neighborhood. Aaron cared about what others thought and instead of letting it get to him he used it to push himself. Andrew couldn’t tell if it was stupid or strong. He learned from Neil that sometimes the two look similar. 

Neil was outside the school, waiting for Andrew like he’s been doing for the past week. Or since they kissed. Whichever way you want to look at it. Kissing him became not exactly regular, but more _frequent._ It was dumb and another one of his self destructive habits in action, but he really didn’t want to stop. So he didn’t. 

Plus, it was good Neil was leaving eventually. That means this _nothing_ can never be _something._ Not that it could anyways. Him and Aaron may not talk, but he has a promise to keep, people to protect. He doesn’t need any long lasting distractions from that. He’s only had to warn off one girl from Aaron but it was enough for Andrew to realize Aaron didn’t care as much as he did. Not that he’d _ever_ show it. He’d let Aaron misinterpret it for hate for as long as he can. 

Neil looked Andrew up and down and settled his eyes on Andrew's face. “Nice eye bags, Minyard. Those Prada?” 

“Shut the fuck up.” He used more emotion in that one sentence than he used in a _long_ time. Worth it. That was stupid.

“Someone’s alive today.” Neil bit down a smile and he began to follow Andrew behind the school so they could smoke. Actually for Andrew to smoke and for Neil to stare. 

After a few drags Neil snatched the stick from Andrew, earning him a glare but he didn’t take it back. When Neil gave it back Andrew purposely grazed Neils fingers. Neil knew it wasn't an accident. When it came to physical contact Neil caught on to the fact that every touch from Andrew is deliberate and planned and thought about. Andrew didn’t think too much on this one though, he just felt like it.

They stared at each other. Usually how they stare at each other before they decide to shove their tongues down each other’s throat. Inconveniently, people were around. 

Neil broke the silent conversation, “I have a plan for tonight.”

“Oh do you?” 

“First, were watching Aarons game-”

“I thought we talked about this.” 

“I’m not talking to you about playing anymore.”

“But you’ll talk to my brother about it.” 

“Never said not to.” Neil tilted his head to make a point. 

“I hate you.” 

“I’m aware.” Neil took the smoke again from Andrew's fingers. Before Neil could even take a drag, Andrew grabbed Neils wrist and leveled him with a long stare before he took it back. 

Neil hesitated to speak for a moment as his eyes looked Andrew up and down, “That was unnecessarily attractive.”

“I’m going to be late.” Andrew flicked ash at Neil and crushed the smoke under his shoe before walking away. 

Later near the end of the day Neil took his spot next to Andrew in class. “You didn’t let me finish this morning.” He reminded Andrew.

“Who’s fault is that?” 

“Yours.” 

“Wrong.” 

“Sure.” Neil said smug. “After the game, i found this place and thought it’d be fun to go to.” 

“Hm, and why the game? I thought you were staying away from Exy.” 

Neil shrugged. “Baby steps I guess.” 

“And why would i go?” 

“What would it take for me to get you to go?” 

The first thing that came to mind was what Neil was hiding underneath his shirt. Andrew already had his theories. Scars. It can’t be bruises since there isn’t anyone around to hit him. But scars, Andrew knows what it’s like to hide those. 

The second time him and Neil hooked up they were in the backseat of his car. Andrew went to slip his hands under Neils shirt, it took Neil a moment since he was clearly in a daze, but he jumped and almost hit his head on the window. He told Andrew no hands under his shirt, only over. Andrew would listen, no questions asked, but Andrew could feel the indent of scarred skin. He was so sure he could. 

And if Neil really didn’t want to answer; he knew he didn’t have to and Andrew wouldn’t go to the game. That simple. 

“Wait.” Andrew said and Neil sat back in his seat with a nod. 

After class they both walked to Andrews' car. Andrew ignored the odd look Aaron gave him when they both got in. 

Andrew skidded out of the parking lot and drove to a gas station. His car needed gas and he needed a fucking red bull if he was going to get through tonight. 

After he paid for his energy drink, he sat back in his car and waited for the gas tank to fill. “What’s under this.” He plucked at the too big grey shirt Neil was wearing. 

Neils eyes went slightly wide with surprise, he made an odd face, but quickly gathered himself. “Nothing pretty.” 

“Scars.” 

Neil nodded. Barely qualifying as a nod and instead more of a twitch of the chin, but a confirmation nonetheless. 

“Show me, and i’ll go tonight.” When Neil paused Andrew thought maybe he should bring a tiny bit of comfort to the uncomfortableness that Neil obviously had. “I’ve already felt them through your shirt.” 

And Neil blinked in surprise, “Oh.” He seemed less on edge. “Okay.” He nodded confidently. 

Andrew opened the can of red bull and took two strong gulps. He used to go to Aaron’s games, but lately he stopped going to them. This would be the first one in a while. The loud cheering, the people, the lights. It was always too much for him. Sitting there he thought he’d rather play the game more than sit and watch, but most days he’s too tired to leave his house so commitment to something was out of the question. 

Maybe Neil could make it tolerable. 

After they left the gas station, they headed to Andrews house. They found themselves hanging out there more now. Neil would read a book to himself, sometimes telling Andrew quotes he liked. Sometimes they’d do homework together, watch movies. Neil somehow figured out when to talk to Andrew or when all Andrew wanted was silence and his presence, or when he wanted to be alone. 

Having Neil know these things made Andrew want to punch something, maybe stab someone. He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t accustomed to this kind of treatment from a person. 

They stepped into Andrew's room. Nicky was asleep and Aaron at a pep rally so they basically had the house to themselves since Nicky could sleep through a hurricane. Neil dropped his backpack while Andrew threw his at the end of the bed. When Andrew looked back at Neil, he had his fingers at the edge of his shirt. “I told you, they’re not pretty.” 

Neil lifted his shirt and revealed a marred chest of skin. There was barely any spot of it left undamaged. Andrew took a step closer and lifted his hand. He touched the bullet wound scar with a disconnect. He moved to a large scar that looked a little like road burns and glass, he wasn’t kidding when he said someone was after him. He moved to the one that caught his attention the most, the large iron burn on his chest. “This isn’t something you get from being on the run.”

Neil took in a breath. “My father was… violent.” _Abusive. Traumatizing,_ Andrew corrected in his mind while Neil continued, “Some people came by to ask questions. I didn’t say anything but it wasn’t enough.” 

“And why would someone ask your father questions.” 

“He’s involved in the mob, just like my mom.” 

Neil not using past tense could’ve been a slip up, but Andrew remembers Neil saying he was dead.

“How did he die?” Andrew asked, wondering if Neil forgot his own lie, if he did lie. Andrew doesn’t know yet. 

Without missing a beat he replied, “Mom stole money from the people they worked for, took me and left. Didn’t tell my dad. They killed him for it.” His voice was disconnected. Like all the feelings had left his body. Maybe it was because his father was a subject he didn’t like to feel things with, or maybe because that helps to lie, or maybe because he didn’t feel anything for his father. 

When Andrew dropped his hand from the scars, Neil sighed and went to grab for his shirt. It was obvious Neil didn’t like his scars. Andrew grabbed Neils chin and waited a second. Neil brought his hand back to Andrew's and put it on his neck because that was okay now, and they both leaned in. Slow and soft. Andrew didn’t know how to say in words that he thought Neil was beautiful, but maybe he could tell him without words. 

Their kisses grew harder and heavier and Andrew didn’t know where to put his hands because he wanted to touch everywhere. Every scar and scratch he wanted to feel. He thought that maybe he could take away the memory of the pain and replace it with his touches. With the way Neil shivered and groaned Andrew thought that just might be possible. “Yes or no, Neil.” Andrew asked. It would be the first time doing _this_. And to make sure Neil got what he was implying he dragged his hand lower. 

Neils breath hitched and against Andrews lips he gasped, “Yes.” and Andrew didn’t hold back. 

Afterward Andrew kissed him once and wiped his hand on Neils chest. “Go.” He said into Neil's neck. Neil smiled, dropping his hands. He put his shirt back on as he walked towards Andrew's door and left. 

Andrew finished and opened his door, over the balcony railing he saw Neil on their couch reading the book he gave Andrew. He already read it before but Neil didn’t mind.

He looked up and saw Andrew. He put the book down and smiled a bit. Andrew washed his hands in the bathroom sink before grabbing his homework and walking down the steps. Neil actually went back up stairs to grab a book out of his backpack and read that while Andrew worked. He would catch Neil looking up at him every now and then but he ignored that.

After a while Neil broke the comfortable silence. “What was juvie like?” He asked, putting the book he was reading down on the table. 

Andrew passively answered, “Boring. Better than most houses I've lived in though.” 

“How many houses did you live in before juvie?” 

“Thirteen.” 

“We’re any good?” 

“One was for a while.” Andrew thought about Cass, then Drake. “Didn’t last long though. That was the one before I went to juvie.” He knew Neil would catch on to what he was implying. 

Neil hesitated to speak for a second, “The other night, I was going to ask you why you act like you don’t feel. That house is why, isn’t it?”

Andrew wasn’t sure he was wanting to talk about this. It’s not that talking about it scared him, he actually wouldn’t mind saying it. He’s never had the opportunity to, and Neil wouldn’t flinch away from the harsh truths of his reality. But Neil was also leaving soon. At first that was a comfort. Now he isn’t sure. He’s not afraid of talking, he’s afraid that telling Neil anymore about himself will make it harder for him to let go. 

“It was the last time I let myself want something like that. I won’t do it again.” 

Neil stared at him. They were both sitting on the floor. Andrew with his legs crossed, Neil on his stomach with his forearms crossed and propping him up. “You deserve better, you know?” 

“You are delusional.” 

“You do.” Neil said like it actually meant something. Andrew didn’t know what to do with it. 

“Shut up.” He put his head back down to his work and ignored Neil. 

Nicky woke up by the time they were ready to head to the game. He let out a loud yawn and when he opened his eyes he looked at Neil who was wearing one of Andrews jackets because he didn’t have one thick enough to do shit. 

“Neil.” Nicky grinned. “You’re going to have to tell me why you keep coming back around because I know it can’t be for him.” 

“No thanks.” Neil said, trying to not sound annoyed. Neil wasn’t good at hiding emotions. Neil was out the door faster than Andrew. He wasn’t sure if it was to get away from Nicky or if he was excited for the game. 

When they got there Neil was calm and collected as he always was in public. Minus the fact that he scaled out the exits of every room upon entering them. He chose a spot to sit at and Andrew followed with his hands in his jacket pockets and a frown that he hoped people would read as _do not fucking speak to me._

Their school's team sucked. That’s all there is to it. The goalie was too slow. Their backliners weren’t strong enough. Their strikers were uncoordinated. Andrew could tell Neil thought it was horrible. Every time he looked over to Neil he had a pained face. “You would destroy these guys.” Neil leaned into Andrews space to say. 

“I’m aware.” 

The night felt odd to Andrew. Like it wasn’t real. Not in a good way. In the carefully disconnected way he used to feel whenever he got placed into a new home. Like he didn’t belong. Even with Neil right next to him it was hard to believe any of it was real. Then a little around the third quarter of the game Neil looked at him and said, “You wanna get out of here?” 

“What about your obsession?” Andrew glanced to the court.

“This is a disgrace to exy.” Neil deadpanned in total seriousness. 

Andrew wished he could let himself smile sometimes. “Let’s go.” He got up and felt Neil follow behind him. 

“I’m shit at directions okay.” Neil explained as he sat in the passenger seat. He’s gotten them lost somehow. Andrew takes back what he thought about Neil being good with directions. 

“Turn left!” Neil yelled. “Ha! See, i’m not that bad at directions.” 

Andrew pulled into an empty area on a cliff. there were a couple of trees here and there and rocks, gravel, and grass, but the thing that stood out the most though was the large tree house up in the bigger tree. 

“How did you find this place?” Andrew turned to ask Neil. 

“I like walking around.” Neil shrugged. “Oh and i found this at a thrift shop.” He reached into the back seat to grab his backpack. He only had to dig a little to pull out the polaroid camera. It was an odd vintage one that was black and reminded him of those View Master toys. 

“Does it even have film.” 

“Yup.” Neil smiled and Andrew got out of the car. 

Neil caught Andrew staring up at the tree. It was high and tall. Too tall for him to feel like conquering today. “I already went in it. There wasn’t much in there.” Neil shrugged. “I was just thinking we could sit under it.” 

Under the tree was soft grass. Andrew sat down on it and felt it underneath his palms and the tips of his fingers. Neil sat next to him and put his palm out as if asking to hold Andrew's hand. Andrew nodded and they folded their hands together. They listened to crickets chirping and each other’s heartbeats. 

Andrew found himself curious though. The silence only lasted so long. “What did you think of the game?” he asked.”

“Tragic and underwhelming. But I haven't been to an exy game since I was a kid, so it was good.”

“Why didn’t she like exy?”

“I’m not sure. I never questioned my mom. She told me to do something and I did it. I’m breaking almost all her rules now.” Neil huffed a laugh and glanced down at their intertwined hands. “The bruises I would get if she saw this.” He paused then said, “I get it though. She was just trying to keep me safe.” 

“Sounds like she was a coward.”

Neil turned to look at Andrew with a question on his face. “She wasn’t a coward.”

“Any mother who can hit their child instead of talking to them, is a coward.” 

“You don’t get it.” 

“I do.” 

“You barely knew your mom. You don’t.” 

“ _Tilda_ , used to beat Aaron for being an inconvenience to her. That’s what I saw. I didn’t care to get to know her. I wanted her gone. She was a coward. Your mom was a coward. Your father is a coward.” he wouldn’t say _you are a coward,_ he didn’t think Neil was a coward. He thought Neil was a scared kid who only knew how to run. He had a survival instinct forced into him before he could even grow up. 

Their hands were still locked together. Even through the slight hostility they didn’t let go. Neil squeezed his hand a little tighter and said, “Maybe she was, but it kept me alive.” 

Andrew nearly rolled his eyes. There was nothing left to say. He unhooked their hands for a second to guide Neils head to rest on his shoulder. Neil went and adjusted himself until he was comfortable and Andrew clasped their hands back together. 

“Tell me something you can barely believe exists.” Neil asked. When Andrew sighed, Neil said, “I'll go first. Trees.”

“Trees?” Andrew looked down at Neil who was staring into nothing. 

“They come from such tiny seeds. They’re so big but they come from something so small. That’s almost unbelievable.” Neil shifted his head to look up at the branches. “I never stopped to think of the trees.” 

“Let me guess, they were on your list of things to appreciate.” 

Neil shook his head and simply said, “No. They weren’t.” Neils had settled back up against Andrew's shoulder. “What’s yours?”

_You_. He would say. He was going to say. He didn’t want to want to say it so badly. “You.” Because he didn’t lie. 

Neil shifted to look up at him. Andrew hoped he wouldn’t ask for an explanation. He wouldn’t be able to give one. 

“I’m here.” Neil whispered into the quiet and cold air.

“For now.” 

“It’s a good thing I brought this, then.” Neil moved to grab the camera he placed next to them. He twiddled with it trying to figure out how it worked and when he managed to he smiled proud. 

He made sure the flash was on and pointed it at the two of them. Andrew wouldn’t smile, but Neils soft one made up for it. The flash nearly blinded Andrew and for a second he was seeing spots, but he could make out the shape of Neil watching the picture develop.

“This,” Neil said, “Is to remind you I do exist. Even when i’m gone.” His face went up into a small and sad little smile that reminded Andrew of Nicky for a second. 

He looked at the picture Neil was holding gently in his hands. It was vintage and foggy and amazing. Andrew looked as threatening as always and then Neil, looking like a dream. It shouldn’t go together, but they do. They even look like they go together. They just fit. 

Andrew eventually laid on his back, resting his head on the back of his arms. Neil snapped a picture of him, blinding Andrew for the second time. When Neil saw Andrew wince and cover his eyes he laughed. In retaliation he grabbed Neils ankles and yanked him to tackle him and pin him to the ground. 

“Hi.” Neil laughed under Andrew's weight. 

“You’re an idiot.” 

His face softened. “I needed something too.” 

Andrew rolled his eyes but kissed him. He kissed him and kissed him and kissed him until his lips hurt. He eventually let Neils hands go and they found their way around his neck, his hands in his hair pulling him closer. 

When they got tired, they grabbed their pictures and the camera and made their way to the car. Andrew pulled out a pen and on the back of the picture he wrote:

_trees_

He’ll never forget to look at trees. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took so long haha we do be depressed doe 😳. anyways writing was hard and i hate this and i also pulled some inspo for the end from the song i love you too by ezra bell so go listen to it muah 💋


	6. Chapter 6

It was the middle of the day and Andrew had just woken up from a _long_ nap when he realized that Neil was going to be over in 30 minutes. The night before he told Andrew he’d be over late in the afternoon. He rolled out of bed and brushed his teeth. 

He wanted to keep himself busy by drinking but Nicky stopped bringing alcohol around when he noticed Andrew had been stealing all of it. He wanted to tell Nicky to stop being stupid but he thought it might be best to give his liver a break given he’d been drinking since the strong age of 11. Drinking was something he wanted to prove to himself he could give up. Smoking was a different story. 

He settled for making decaf coffee. Neil gave him another book to read so he sat down and read a bit of that. This was the copy Neil had. He even highlighted quotes. Andrew was too tired to concentrate but he didn’t mind scrolling through the book to see more of what Neil had liked. One of them was: 

_“What if I don’t give a shit about the world?”_

_“I’d say that’s pretty fucking sad.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because the world is so beautiful.”_

and another: 

_“Milkshakes make the world seem less shitty.”_

If Andrew felt like smiling, maybe he would at that. 

There were more highlights but Andrew didn’t feel like looking at all of them yet and he wouldn’t mind finishing the book so it was best not to look through all of it. 

Time passed and Neil still wasn’t there. It was already 5:00. It’s odd for Neil not to show up. Or give a heads up on being late. It was almost enough to make him worry but Andrew couldn’t let himself care. So he didn’t. He told himself if Neil didn’t want to come, he didn’t have to. He told himself to just take a nap. He knew a knock would wake him up anyways. 

And one did. It was frantic like the one on his car window the night of the fair. Andrew quickly glanced at the clock on his way to the front door. 7:45. He opened the door and saw Neil. He was sweaty and out of breath with his duffel in hand. 

“Neil. What happened.” 

“I’m fine.” He said, but he was shaking. His voice was quiet. 

“Neil.” 

“I’m fine.” He rushed out even faster than the one before. 

“Say it again and I will kill you.” 

Neil nodded and Andrew walked away leaving the door open. He knew Neil would follow. He heard the door shut and small footsteps following him to the kitchen. Andrew made him a glass of ice water and watched Neil plop on a stool and drink it in seconds. 

“What happened.” Andrew said once Neil has caught his breath. Neil had a lazy face. Like making expressions was too much work. Andrew was more than familiar with this face. He saw it every time he looked in the mirror. 

“I ran.” 

“From?”

“Everything. Nothing. I don’t know.” he shrugged.

“You have your ugly bag.” Andrew pointed out the torn thing that rested on his countertop.

“I ran to a train station.” Neil admitted, he mumbled his words like he didn’t want to say them.

The nearest train station was three miles away. “No wonder you look like shit.” 

“Yeah? And what’s your excuse?” Neil huffed.

“At least you’re alive enough to be a smartass.” 

Neil rested his head in the fold of his arms. His cheek squished and childlike. He picked at a thread on his sweater, “For now.” 

“Neil.” Andrew warned, not sure what he was warning. 

“I’ve stayed too long.” He let out a shaky sigh. “I’m not ready yet.” 

He wouldn’t ask him to stay. That’s how things would get messy. 

Eventually, Andrew could hear Neil steady his breaths. _Good. Just breathe._ Andrew didn’t know how to help without making himself seem vulnerable. But he could think of small kind words. 

He decided to pour himself a cup of coffee and then one for Neil. He added a shit ton of sugar and cream into his own and left it black for Neil. They sat in silence. Drinking their coffee. Looking at each other. Finding comfort in each other’s presence. He wondered if that were as scary for Neil as it was for him.

Neil eventually got lost in thought. Andrew could tell because Neil was suddenly very interested in staring at his coffee for 2 minutes straight. 

“What are you thinking?” Andrew asked.

Neil seemed to be surprised that Andrew asked but didn’t falter to answer. “I have to leave. Soon. Not now. Just.. soon.” 

“I knew this.” 

“I know. I just had to say it.” Neil paused then let a shaky breath out. “I thought someone was following me.” 

“Was there?” 

“No. I don’t think so.” Neil held back a flash of anger. Andrew wasn’t sure if it was directed at himself or the situation.

Andrew sighed, “How long are you going to play rabbit?” When Neil only gave a puzzled look Andrew continued. “You told me you don’t want to be nothing. If you keep running that’s all you’ll ever be.”

Anger flashed on Neils face. “No.” Neil took a breath and willed himself calm. “You’re wrong.” 

“Am i? Think about it Neil. You run and you run, not allowing yourself to be anything important. And I don’t think i have to be the one to tell you the theory that life is nothing without people knowing you exist. That it’s nothing unless you leave some kind of mark. You keep running and you’ll go back to being nothing. We both know you won’t make the same mistake again.” 

“And what mistake is that? I didn’t make a mistake.”

“You say that, but the next time you run somewhere else you won’t make it hard, will you?” 

“What does that have to do with anything?” 

Andrew ignored that. Neil knows what he means. Andrew threw whatever logic was left out and said, “Run and you’ll be nothing. Stay.” 

“Stay and die?” 

“I wouldn’t let it happen.” 

“No. You can’t and I’m not done running.” 

“What happens the day you are? You’re going to spend all that time running, leaving no mark, just so you can die.”

“I’ll come back to you.” Neil said in a breath. Andrew wasn’t sure he heard it correct at first, but Neil said it once more, “I’ll come back to you.” More sure of himself than the first time.“If you want.” Neil added, less sure. 

_I don’t want anything,_ was on the tip of his tongue, instead, “Promise me.”

“I promise. The day I can’t run anymore. If I survive that long. I’ll come back to you.” Neil stood up with shaky legs and walked across the side of the kitchen counter to stand in front of Andrew. “You have to promise me to be alive. You have to be there for me to come back to. And I mean you have to be alive. Find something to live for. Anything. Promise me you will.” 

Another deal. Andrew had a feeling Neil wouldn’t break his. He wasn’t sure if he was more curious to see if Neil would move on and find some other train wreck to relate to, or to see if he could really find something to live for. 

“I promise.” 

Andrew knew what he was getting himself into. He knew that he may never see Neil again. That this might be all pointless, that trying to get better was a useless thing to do. But Neil was his last resort. His best one so far. He’s tried to be happy. Harder than most people should try. This was it. This was all he had. He couldn’t give up when the possibility for something better was right there. If Neil ever did decide to see Andrew again, he wouldn’t let a single thing touch him. He wouldn’t now either, but that wasn’t his decision to make. 

After a while of silence Andrew tapped the counter with consideration. “It’s my turn to take you somewhere.” and Neils face softened and relaxed just a bit. “Not tonight, though. You need a shower. You smell.” He meant rest too. Neil should figure that out on his own though. 

“Do you get off on insulting me?” 

“Maybe.” He tilted his head in a show of consideration. “But not when you smell.” 

Neil let out a small laugh, “Fine. I’ll take a shower. Got clothes I can borrow?” 

“This is becoming a recurring thing.” Andrew pointed out with a roll of his eyes, which meant he had clothes for him.

“I don’t see a problem with that.” Neil yawned. 

“Because you’ve perfected the art of denial. You only see what you want to. Now go.” 

Neil sighed grabbing his duffle and walked to the stairs. “You’re an asshole.” He called, trudging his way up. Andrew felt the corner of his lips tug upward just the slightest. 

Aaron came down just a second later. Andrew made sure his face was neutral as always. “Why is josten here again?” 

“Apparently to run up our water bill.” 

“Doesn’t he have his own?” Aaron asked, annoyed. Which was odd. He couldn’t understand the annoyance he had towards Neil. He could understand confusion since Andrew wasn’t historically good with people, but everytime Aaron sees Neil over Andrew can see it. He can see how irritable Aaron gets. Aaron can be pleasant and kind to certain people (usually girls) when he feels like it. His natural self though, is rude, still kind, but overall rude. The way he is towards Neil isn’t anywhere close to kind. It’s the same rudeness and treatment he reserves for Andrew, just on a smaller, less hate and trauma fueled level. 

“If he did, do you think he’d be here?” 

“How am I supposed to know. Neither of you say shit.” Aaron grabbed almond milk out of the fridge and some granola out of the pantry and mixed them together in a bowl as Andrew stared at him, trying to solve it. 

He decided he wasn’t going to figure it out in the moment and he left to his room. He opened his window. The screen he immediately popped out the second he moved in so that he could smoke. He hopped up on his desk and lit a smoke. 

The air smelled wet, like it was going to rain. The sun was setting and the clouds hid it just enough to let a few rays of what little was left of the sun in. It was a nice night, a little windy too which was even better because Andrew loved the feeling of wind hitting his face, also another reason why he likes going 90 mph with the windows down. It was just nice. 

He heard a knock on his door and it opened. He knew it was Neil since the footsteps were light and the knock was soft and quick. Aaron didn’t knock and everything Nicky does, down to his knocks, is always done dramatically, so Neil. 

“You better not get lung cancer on me.” Neil warned, but it was an empty threat. 

“That, I can't promise you.” He turned around just a bit and he saw Neil towel drying his hair roughly and when he finished he looked in Andrews closet mirror and searched his hair closely. “I’m gonna have to dye it again,” Neil didn’t say _before I leave,_ but they knew. 

“A haircut wouldn’t kill you either.” 

Neil huffed a laugh, walking over to the desk where Andrew sat, now fully turned with one knee up to rest his hand on and the other dangling off the desk. He slowly brought his hand up to Andrews hair, giving him full opportunity to say no. He didn’t. 

“I could say the same about you.” Neil tugged a long curl of his blond hair. He then shuffled his fingers through it a little more. “Yours is softer than mine.” 

“That’s because I haven't killed it with pneumonia.” He put his smoke out in the ashtray and put his hand on the back of Neils neck to pull him into a kiss. He had to tilt his head up more than usual and Neil bent down more than usual but it was nice. It was all really fucking nice. 

“I knew you got off on insulting me.” Neil smiled when he pulled away from Andrew. His hand was still in Andrew's hair. 

“Shut,” he kissed him once. “Up.” he kissed him again. 

They sat there an age. Neil between Andrews parted legs. Not touching, but close. When Andrew pulled away he looked up at Neil who was resting his forehead on his own. Andrew ran a thumb under Neils eyes. “You look tired.” 

Neil closed his eyes. “That’s because I am.” 

Andrew was going to say _sleep_ , or _get some rest._ Instead he said, “When are you leaving.” Because he couldn’t hold off the reality anymore. He had to know. He was afraid if he let Neil fall asleep he wouldn’t have the guts to ask him when he woke up. Denial was Neils thing, not Andrews. 

Neil let out a long and dreadful sigh. “A week.” He answered without even thinking. He must’ve already thought about it. 

“Okay.” Andrew nodded against Neils forehead. Neil kissed Andrew once more. Soft and chaste, but it felt just as strongly as all the other ones. “Sleep.” Andrew pulled his head back slowly and Neil stepped out of his space. 

Neil yawned. “I’m gonna sleep on the couch.” Neil said in a small voice. Almost wounded. Andrew knew it wasn’t him that hurt Neil. It was everything. Andrew could see how much it hurt Neil to leave, but more than anything: Neil wanted to survive. Even if it meant never living or being nothing. Surviving was his priority. One day it won’t be. Andrew knows it, but Neil has to figure that out on his own. 

That doesn’t make it hurt any less.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the book mentioned is we are the ants by shaun david hutchinson because fuck it this is MY coping mechanism and i’m making neil read lgbt lit 😡 
> 
> also aaron is healthy bitch and a simp and would be a vegan but it’s too much work,, he has enough going on
> 
> also ty for all the luv on this it actually means a lot muah 💋


	7. Chapter 7

Andrew dreamed. He was used to daydreaming scenarios that never actually involved him, just other people in his life and what they’d do in certain situations. Rarely the situations ever revolved around him. It was one of his healthier coping mechanisms.  _ If you can’t live the life you want, dream it.  _ Right? And Andrew, simply didn’t want life. 

dreaming while he was asleep, at least something that wasn’t a nightmare, hasn’t happened in a long time. But last night he had an oddly domesticated dream of him and Neil. Neil still had his brown shaggy hair, but his eyes were blue, as they should be. They were surrounded by warm lighting and in an apartment that Andrew had probably seen in a tv show. They were sitting on wood floors, playing with a cat. Neil laughed. 

Andrew remembered what it was like from his point of view and he thinks that in the dream he was smiling. He also remembered a version of him from the outside. Looking down on the two of them. It was as if he was both  _ in  _ the moment and out of it at the same time. 

He  _ was _ smiling. It was something underused and forgotten. It was something genuine and made his dimples and smile lines show and his eyes crinkle in the corners. Andrew nearly forgot he even had dimples. He couldn’t tell if it looked right on his face. 

He shook off the warm feeling and traded it for the dread of Neils inevitable departure. Staring at the clock that said 10:00 am he pulled himself up and out of bed. 

He was graced by the presence of Aaron in the kitchen. Probably just back from a workout. Aaron already made a pot of coffee so all Andrew had to do was pour a cup. He was grateful for that.  _ It’s the small things _ , he could hear Neils voice say in his head. He said it once when they were talking about nothing in particular, but Neil managed to find a way to mention his love for crunchy leaves in the fall. Andrew called him an idiot, and  _ the small things  _ was his defense. He really was an odd one. Andrew isn’t against Neils oddity, though. If anything he prefers Neils way of thinking. Most days it makes Andrew feel less alone. Even though they don’t necessarily think the same, they think differently than others. Differently enough to find similarities in each other. 

Another interesting thing about Neil is that for Andrew's whole life he thought he could do without his long lasting memory. He still would rather do without it, but something about remembering every word Neil has ever told him makes it sting a little less. It’s strange and unsettling to Andrew that someone could somehow get him to shift even the tiniest bit on something he was so sure about for the majority of his life. 

“You really have perfected tuning me out. Asshole.” Aaron scoffed. Andrew didn’t even know he was talking. 

“Hm.” Andrew replied just to let Aaron know he was listening.

“I  _ said,”  _ Aaron began, coldly. “I didn’t know you picked up strays.” Jutting his chin across the kitchen and to the living room couch where Neil was tucked into himself tightly.

Andrew might as well have ignored him entirely. He wasn’t going to respond. He caught himself staring at Neil sleeping and brought his gaze to his cup of coffee. It was his turn today to take him somewhere. He had an idea. 

“I don’t get you.” Aaron shook his head. Andrew felt compelled to tell him that he needed to look closer. He needed to pay more attention. He needed to understand that there are more people in the world than just himself. But Andrew didn’t care if Aaron  _ got  _ him or not. 

When Aaron began to walk towards the stairs to leave, Andrew stopped him. “I’m joining the exy team. I’ll start giving you rides to practice.” 

Aaron froze in place for a moment, and of course, Neil shot up, half asleep and bleary eyed. “What?” he said with an urgency. 

Andrew gave Neil a blank stare, “Don’t act surprised.” 

“What made you decide this?” Aaron asked. 

“Nothing.” 

“Right.” Aaron answered, suspicious. He left with a shake of his head. 

After a few moments of silence and a yawn from Neil Andrew took a few steps towards the couch and Neil sighed. “I don’t think I got enough sleep.” 

“It’s almost 11:00.” Andrew said just to be annoying.

“Fuck off. You once slept a whole 24 hours.” Neil rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and stood up as Andrew hummed in agreement to Neils statement. 

“You stayed late.” Andrew brought up. He leaned against the corner of the refrigerator with his arms folded and watched Neil make his coffee. 

“I was going to wake up early and leave. Usually I wake up without an alarm or anything. I guess the couch was comfortable and I was tired. I didn’t wake up once.” Neil seemed more unsettled by that than Andrew thought he would. He was gnawing at his lip and focused a hard stare at his coffee. 

Sometimes, even though Neil isn’t, he acts much calmer than he is. Andrew thought better of being surprised when he remembers the way Neil looks for every exit upon entering a room. The way he jumps at loud noises, always trying to find where it came from, only calm when he gets his answer. He saw last night, the way he shook at the thought of being caught, only to realize it was his paranoia and the fear of doing this alone. Andrew didn’t like Neil's mother, but he understood a certain level of fear someone would have after being thrown into the deep end without a life vest. 

Andrew just wants to know who the hell Neil is running from. 

“You slept till eleven, you didn’t commit a war crime.” Andrew deadpanned.

Neil huffed a little laugh. “The day’s young.” 

“Are you implying we’re committing war crimes today, Josten?” 

Neil grinned. “Only if that’s your plan, Minyard. You did say it was your turn, didn’t you?” 

“I did. Too tired for war crimes. Ask me later.” 

“I’ll hold you to it.” Neil smiled into his coffee and Andrew, he needed to take a shower. Preferably a cold one. 

“So, Exy?” Neil smiled.

“ _ Don’t.” _ Andrew warned and Neils smile got bigger. 

He really did need a shower. While making his way to the stairs Andrew said, “Nicky should be up soon.” Which was a warning in its own. Neil sighed, apparently 12 hours of sleep wasn’t even enough for him to want to handle a conversation with Nicky. 

Andrew often found himself wondering if Nicky would ever calm down while he was around them. He wondered if he’d ever get comfortable enough to not think he was only worth something if he was letting everyone know he existed and he existed  _ loud _ . Nicky didn’t have to do that for him to be appreciated or seen. Andrew thinks maybe Erik will help Nicky see that given some time. 

After taking a shower and deciding laundry needed to be done, he stalked down the stairs. He knew Neil was gone because his duffle was no longer in Andrews room taunting him. Plus, there was a post it on Andrews pillow that said: 

_ War crimes. 6:00 pm?  _ In Neils sharp and all uppercase handwriting. 

Idiot.

Andrew spent his day doing nothing but watching tv, smoking, and a lot of thinking. Mainly about Neil. At this point, Andrew was willing to tell Neil everything about himself as long as Neil did it return. He also thought about other things he wouldn’t mind trusting Neil with.

His boundaries are still going to be a challenge though. Andrew thinks they always will be. Getting over the feeling of your skin crawling anytime someone gets too close wasn’t easy, letting Neil touch his face and hold his hand and letting him run his fingers through his hair weren’t easy things, but Neil made them easier because Andrew trusted him, but that didn’t make it easy. 

What he's doing with Neil is uncharted territory because it’s different. It’s intimate. It’s not him getting the bare minimum of pleasure because he can’t let himself ask for more. It's not him being violated like all of the others who have ever touched him. It’s him knowing it's okay to ask for more. It’s okay to want more. It’s okay to want more of Neil. It’s understanding Neil is someone you can give an inch and they won’t take a mile. It’s Neil understanding how important that inch he’s given up is. 

Too much thinking made his head hurt and brought up ugly memories and ugly words. He stopped, once again wishing he could drink away his thoughts. 

When six came around he picked Neil up from the empty warehouse parking lot. “Hey.” Neil said as he got in Andrew's car. He wasn’t smiling but something about his face didn’t need a smile to show he was happy. Andrew felt the opposite today. It was a bad day again. 

“Food first?” Neil asked. 

Andrew shrugged. It’s best for what he was going to do to happen later anyways. Andrew drove them to the diner they went to a couple weeks back. Laurel was there working. It was busy and she was rushing around tables with a smile on her face that didn’t look fake at all. She was full of a joy that was interesting to Andrew. 

“Hi Neil.” She said, pouring a cup of someone’s coffee. “And Andrew, right?” she wiped the coffee she spilt on the table with a rag before walking towards them. 

“That’s him.” Neil nodded. 

“It’s good to see Neil made a friend. He sits there with a journal looking like a lonely sad guy from a movie.” she said with a cutsie tone. Like it was an adorable thing to see a boy as rugged and soft as Neil sit alone while he people watched and journaled his thoughts. 

She bounced on her heels as she took their orders. Neil didn’t order anything crazy this time, just french toast and coffee. Andrew got a stack of waffles and eggs with hot chocolate. 

“I didn’t know you journaled.” Andrew said when Laurel left. 

“Keeps my head in check.” Neil shrugged. “Didn’t know your brother was an addict.” 

Andrew looked at him wondering where he found that out. Probably Nicky. Or people at school. 

“Nicky told me.” 

Andrew hummed. “It never came up.” 

“A lot of things about you haven’t come up.” 

“I could say the same about you.” 

Neil hummed, copying Andrew's mannerism. “You could.” 

They sat in comfortable silence for a while. Andrew lightly kicked Neils feet and Neil lightly kicked back and before either of them could think of anything to say Laurel brought their food and a plate for herself. “It’s my break. I’m hungry.” She said with a relieved sigh as she set the plates down and made Neil scoot over in the booth with a shooing hand gesture. 

“Sorry if this is rude.” She said taking a big bite of a chicken sandwich followed by a big gulp of her drink. “Neil usually doesn’t mind when I do this, but he never has friends.” She nudged his shoulder a bit. Neil didn’t say anything but Andrew could tell he didn’t mind Laurel's words or presence. 

Laurel was content to sit in silence and eating. She was unphased. Joyful and happy. Andrew thought he could grow to like her. 

There was an exy game on the tv. Laurel looked up to it. “The foxes are such a fucking mess. I like that they’re taking in those kids, but they’re not going anywhere anytime soon.” Andrew thought it was funny that she said  _ kids  _ even though she was younger than them.

“They’re not bad players. They’re just out of sync. They have strong strikers and defense but there’s no teamwork there. They fight each other more than they fight the other teams.” Neil broke in. Suddenly paying full attention. 

“I think their captain could bring them together with more time but it doesn’t help everyone shits on her. That can’t be easy. She’s literally the first female exy captain and people treat her like shit. It pisses me off.” 

Andrew liked the way Laurel went from giddy to angry like that. He liked the way her joy still showed through her anger too. What he didn’t like was: Exy. 

“I like her too. She cares about the game.” Neils eyes met Andrews and Andrew flicked a crumpled up straw wrapper at him.

“Do you play?” Laurel asked Andrew. 

“No.” He said at the same time Neil said Yes. 

“You’re getting predictable, Minyard.” Neil smirked. 

“Fuck off.” 

Laurel laughed a bit. “What position?”

“Goalie.”

“Any good?” 

When Andrew only shrugged Neil broke in, “He's amazing.” making it sound like a fact. 

Andrew wanted to say,  _ remember flattery gets you nowhere with me,  _ but with Laurel right there he decided against it. 

“Must be nice. I’m shit at it. If I was any good I'd try to score a spot at palmetto.” Laurel's smile didn’t falter. She even laughed a little bit saying this. 

Andrew didn’t understand her happiness and wondered if she understood what sadness was, or if she was lucky enough to be blind to it. But if she was any good at exy she’d try to play at palmetto, which meant she qualified for their  _ only taking in wayward kids _ reputation, which meant there was no way she wasn’t fucked up. 

Andrew vaguely heard them conversing. He checked out of the conversation a while ago. Laurel pulled him out of his head when she told him bye and that she’ll see him later. Andrew didn’t say anything back but he looked at her in acknowledgment and her small smile got just a bit bigger at the gesture. 

“She likes you.” Neil said with a cheeky smile. 

“And?” 

“Nothing.” Neil shook his head, a hint of a smile tugged at his lips. “Are you ready to go?” 

Andrew didn’t speak the whole ride but Neil looked at the road with interest and confusion. “This is the way to school.” When Andrew nodded Neil asked, “Why school?”

“I have an idea.”

“If we’re burning down the school I’m just gonna let you know now I’m not a fan of fire.” 

Andrew huffed a bit. Like a laugh, but not really. Maybe his lips twitched up a little. It wasn’t that funny really. He wasn’t sure why it happened. Neil didn’t say anything but Andrew could feel the tension change.

He felt Neil staring at him for longer than usual after though. To that he said, “You need to fix your staring problem.” 

“I’m not having a problem with it.” 

“Of course not.” When Neil kept staring Andrew said, “Stop.” Neil let a tired sigh out but looked away. 

It was a change being at the school so late. It was dark and not a single car in the parking lot except for Andrews. 

Neil looked around with curiosity. “Telling me what we’re doing now?” 

Andrew didn’t want to deal with talking him into anything so he just walked, knowing Neil would follow. It wasn’t hard, breaking into the school. It was just one lock to be picked, he wasn’t necessarily good at picking locks, but he knew enough. Still took some time and some taunts from Neil. 

Once they were in, a giddy smile grew on Neils face. Sometimes Andrew got so caught up in how early of an age his childhood was taken from him. All the hands on him. All the unwanted touches and words. All the times he was neglected, and how he had preferred to be neglected because it was better than being paid attention to in most cases. So caught up in Neil being abused and burned and cut and forced to run away and treat the world as a threat, that he often forgot they were still kids themselves. It didn’t feel like it, but the smile made him see a glimpse of what could have been. 

Neil smiled a lot around him. Some were small and reserved, some were grins that fit his face in such an eerie way Andrew felt so compelled to stare at. Others were meaningful and full of humor. This one right now was one Andrew had never seen before. It was exciting, it was full of hope even if the hope was just for one night of fun. It was Andrew's favorite one. 

He really didn’t want to see the smile go but he also: really wanted to kiss it off his stupid face. It was a bad day but this was Neil. 

He turned to Neil and pushed him against the wall. Neils smile didn’t drop. Andrew kissed him. He felt Neils smile fade into the kiss. Then he felt Neils hands in his hair. Then he felt phantom hands around his neck. Then he thought about how easy it would be for Neil to be the one to put  _ his  _ hands around Andrew's neck. He knew he wouldn't but he still jerked away. Neil didn’t argue or protest, he just let his hands drop.

Neil did look at him, puzzled, but he didn’t say anything. Maybe he understood. He felt stupid. It was a good moment he had ruined. He was really good at ruining good. He felt weak. There was no one around to hurt him so why did the memories and fear feel so present? 

He shook it off and began to walk down the hallway to the gym. Where the exy court was. Neil knew this. 

“I knew it.” Neil said as they walked through the gym doors and into the exy court. 

“Sure you did.” 

“You gonna make me play?”

“I’m not  _ making _ you do anything.” 

“You know what i mean.” 

He did. Neil meant: make a strong argument about how it does him no favors not to do what he wants just because his dead mommy said not to, leaving himself with the obvious choice which is to do what he wants: play stickball. 

Andrew put on all the goalie gear he’d need and gave Neil a strikers racquet while he took the goalie one. 

“I never played as a striker before.” Neil said as he pulled on the nets thread. He stared at the racquet with an equal amount of admiration and fascination. “I was a back liner. Kevin and Riko were the strikers.” It sounded like Neil was talking more to himself than to Andrew. As if he was remembering something out loud. It also sounded like Neil had just said the two names of very famous exy prodigy’s.

“What did you really want to play as?” He’d ask his serious questions later tonight. 

Neil reluctantly looked up from the racquet. “Striker.” he smiled. The one that was eerie and that made Andrew see Neil and a whole other person all at once. 

“Today’s you’re lucky day, Josten.” 

Neil wasn’t all that bad for his first time playing striker. It took him a few tries to get used to it but after a lot of shitty swings he made them into Andrews net. He wasn’t fast enough to get them through the goal. Andrew was too good. 

Eventually Neil began to push himself. To try as hard as he could, putting as much force as he could into every swing. He was going to burn out at this rate, but something about him like this made Andrew pause at telling him to slow down. He was having the time of his life. 

He didn’t get a single one past him. Almost hours of playing with only a few water breaks here and there. Not a single one. It looked as if it frustrated Neil as much as it made him look alive. 

They sat with their backs to the gym wall. Neil was sweaty and Andrew's arms were sore and tired. Neils shots weren’t hard but holding the racquet up for that long wasn’t pleasant. 

Neil laughed, out of breath and panting. “You could play pro right now if you wanted to.” 

“Have you ever considered you just suck?” Neil didn’t, but it was fun to tease. 

Neil frowned in disagreement. “For a little bit there I did. Then I remembered you’re just good at everything you do and stopped being too hard on myself.” 

“What did I say about flattery getting you nowhere?” 

Neil shrugged as he took a long drink of water. “I think it’s gotten me pretty far.” he offered Andrew the water bottle and Andrew made the wise choice of taking it and squirting some on top of Neils head before taking a casual drink. 

Neil laughed as he shook the water out of his hair. “You’re just mad because I'm right.” 

“I’m not mad. I’m annoyed.” 

“Annoyed that i’m right.” Andrew glared at him and saw the surrender in Neils eyes. 

“Riko Moriyama and Kevin Day.” Andrew said after some silence. 

Neil tensed, he probably had hoped Andrew didn’t know who they were. Aaron and Nicky were too into Exy for Andrew not to know. He never actively was interested in their lives, but he knew of them. 

“What about them.” Neil asked, his voice distant from his emotions. 

“You said you played with them.” 

“I did.” 

“How?” 

“Same little league.”

“I don’t like liars.” Andrew warned. “I’m taking a turn. How do you know Riko and Kevin.” 

“I told you. We played when we were kids.” 

“And how did that come to happen?” 

“Wrong place wrong time I guess? I think my parents were caught up in some stuff with the Moriyama family. I’m not sure.” He seemed far from the world. Lost in his head. Andrew believed him though. “I’ve been tracking their career almost my entire life. Their stats, their games, their training, the whole team really. It doesn’t- I don’t know.” Neil rubbed at his almost always tired eyes. Playing for hours straight had to have made him exhausted. 

“You want what they have.” 

Neil nodded. His face was almost pained. “This is what makes me feel alive and I can never have it. I want it too much.” He scoffed a tired laugh. “It doesn’t matter.” 

Andrew looked at Neil and Neil looked back with an expression Andrew couldn’t make out. Andrew understood who Neil was. He already had before, but now it was different. Andrew at one point wanted something too much too. He nearly killed himself trying to keep it. He let himself get hurt over and over and over again because he finally had something good and he didn’t want to let it go. He was only thirteen. He was just thirteen and all he wanted was some good because out of all those thirteen years he had never had it. 

Now he didn’t want anything. Except Neil. In a way though, he already had him. Even if Neil we’re leaving soon. No one was like Neil and no one was like Andrew to Neil. There was a comfort in that he would never admit to having.

Seeing Neil sit here with the same kind of want was unlike anything Andrew has felt before. Neil wasn’t fighting to keep it though, he was too busy fighting another battle of his. He knows the day will come one day when he gives up that battle for the one he actually wants to fight. Andrew wasn’t that bad at waiting. He could wait for the day. 

“It matters.” Andrew told Neil. Neil has been trying to tell Andrew that everything matters. Everything matters just because we breathe air. Neil doesn’t get to pull the  _ it doesn’t matter  _ bullshit. He shouldn’t be preaching it if he doesn’t believe it. 

Andrew grabbed Neils face, holding his chin tightly and forcing Neil to face him. “It  _ matters. _ ” He enunciated every syllable to make sure Neil understood. He held eye contact until Neil nodded. 

When Andrew let go and made the move to leave Neil stopped him by saying, “Wait.” Andrew stilled. “I want to know everything.” Andrew raised an eyebrow in question. “I want to know everything about you. Before I go. Tell me everything and i’ll tell you everything.” 

Neils face was something. It was wonder and curiosity. It was a gentle roughness. It told Andrew wordlessly that he was ready to listen to every word Andrew had to say, but also ready to take no as an answer. But Andrew couldn’t imagine saying no. He already had come to the conclusion he wouldn’t mind telling Neil anything anymore.

“Take a shower first, you smell, and let’s get out of here.” Andrew left outside to smoke. His mind raced. He was out of smokes too. He made sure to enjoy the last one of the night by laying on the hood of his car and staring up at the dark sky as he waited for Neil. He was going to have to get used to this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the way this took me SO long to write and i STILL hate it. pain ❤️.


	8. Chapter 8

That night Neil told him everything. The places he’s gone, the names he’s had, burning his mother's body on a beach, his father being the butcher of Baltimore, in prison and still sending men out after him. He told him 22 cities, several different countries, 3 languages. 

In return, Andrew told Neil everything about him. About Tilda, some houses before the Spears, his exploration of his sexuality in juvie (because Neil very _hesitantly_ asked him how he came to terms with all of it), telling Nicky's dad about everything and how he told him it was just a _misunderstanding._ It was a long night that ended with them making out in the backseat of his car. 

After that Andrew made sure Neil knew where he belonged, “You’re not staying in that shitty car anymore. We’re getting your stuff and you’re staying with me for the rest of the week.” 

Neil looked ready to argue but as soon as his mouth opened all the fight had left him and he nodded in agreement.

They picked up some smokes with Andrew's fake id, and Neil told him to drive to the book shop. Andrew pointed out it was well after 3 am and they’d be closed. But Neil assured him they wouldn’t be going in. 

Neil took him to a ladder that led to the roof of the book shop. “I know you don’t like heights, but it’s nice up there. Cold, but nice.” 

Andrew knew this fear of heights was stupid. That a tree, or a ferris wheel, or a roof shouldn’t bug him so much, that annoyed the fuck out of him. So he grabbed the ladder and climbed. It was a two story bookshop. Not that high, but high enough to break something. His heart raced and he felt his breath catching. It was almost like that night in the rain when the wind blew onto his cold skin so hard it made him gasp. 

Neil came around to his side and sat down. That was probably a smart idea. So Andrew sat next to Neil, lit up a smoke, and looked at the sky. There was nothing special about the sky to him. It looked the same here in North Carolina as it did in California. But then as they sat down on the roofs floor Neil began to name constellations that he had just read about. He fumbled over names and got things confused and said _I think?_ a lot, but Andrew didn’t care about the stars. He just liked watching Neils mind in action. 

“Staring.” Neil said with a smile when he caught Andrew. 

“Hm.” He hummed and blew smoke into Neils face, but still didn’t look away. After a couple seconds of too intense eye contact Andrew kissed him.

Andrew has a love hate relationship with that night. 

They got home around 5 am and immediately Neil passed out on the couch. 

Aaron was awake though. He came down the stairs and into the kitchen where Andrew was making tea to help him sleep. Aaron was just trying to start his day. While waiting for his coffee to brew he stared at Andrew. 

“Can you answer a question for me.” Aaron said with his arms folded and a thumb working at his bottom lip.

Andrew ignored him. He had given up too much tonight. He didn’t owe Aaron anything.

“Forget it.” Aaron scoffed. He grabbed his coffee and started to walk away, but he stopped himself. Without looking back he said, “Just remember your promise.” 

And _that,_ that pissed him off. Not that he’d show it entirely. It did surprise him that Aaron could see something, even if Aaron wasn’t sure what that something was. 

“I'm aware of our promise. The only one who seems to forget it is you. Remember?” Neil wasn’t a violation of it, because he was leaving. It wasn’t permanent and he was never expecting it to be permanent. Aaron on the other hand was constantly searching for the _picket fence high school sweetheart_ dream to match his wealthy doctor dream. The two were _not_ the same. 

Aaron turned, “It’s not like I knew you’d go fucking batshit on every girl I even make eye contact with.” 

“Your bad judgment is not my problem.” 

“See, you say nothing is your problem, but here you are coming home at 5 am with some homeless kid. Here you are, deciding to force me sober and _killing my mom_. You’re a shitty fucking liar.” 

Andrew didn’t even register the movement of lunging and shoving Aaron against the wall. He felt the tight grip he had on Aaron’s shirt. He felt the adrenaline of violence run through him. 

“Let’s get one thing straight, _I am not a liar._ Walk away.” He shoved a seething Aaron towards the stairs steps. 

He looked at the shattered cup of coffee on the ground, almost ready to walk away and leave it for Nicky. He was too tired for this. But Neil was right there. “I heard the glass and woke up.” he looked at the ground. “I can get that for you.” he offered and Andrew shrugged. He leaned back and took a sip of his tea. 

He watched Neil pick up pieces of glass and get rags out of one of the cabinets, then paper towels, then another rag, then a wet rag, then a dry one, and placed the _several_ rags he used into the sink. “Nicky can deal with that. I want to sleep.” He said almost miserably. 

Andrew nodded in agreement and as Neil went to walk towards the couch he grabbed his hand to stop him. Neil smiled a little. His eyes were tired and his face limp, but Andrew would know a smile on his stupid face even if he wasn’t _actually_ smiling. 

Leading Neil up the stairs he didn’t let go of his hand. He didn’t care much if Aaron walked out and ran into them. He’d preferred if that didn’t happen though. 

That night they fell asleep with one of Neils hands tucked under his cheek, and Andrews hand was on Neils chest, his head lightly on Neils shoulder.

They were small and subtle touches, but for Andrew it meant _trust_ and for Neil it meant _safety._ They were similar things, almost the same things, but with Neil, safety involves trust and for Andrew, trust involves safety. Same thing, right? No. Because trust is what Andrew needs for safety. Safety is what Neil needs for trust. It was a concept that maybe only he would understand, he didn’t need anyone to understand this though. 

The next couple of days they spent together. Andrew skipped school and didn’t bother to explain why. He’d catch up later, it’s not like it was that hard for him anyways.

Nicky had too many thoughts and comments about it all. He didn’t miss Neil crawling out of his room the next afternoon. Neil was in his boxers and one of Andrews long sleeves. He said a simple, “Accidentally fell asleep in there.” Before running off to the bathroom.

Nicky knocked on Andrews door frame before peeking his head through, “You came home late, last night.” With a grin on his face. 

“Out.” 

And Nicky was out. He didn’t bug them too much. He did cut into making out time a lot though to play video games with Neil, which was an inconvenience. 

But one night they went out into a different town and went to a new restaurant Laurel recommended. Neil didn’t care much about what they served there; he just wanted to know how the place looked. 

Turns out, it was a Barbecue restaurant. Andrew wasn’t a big fan of meat so he just got some salad and dessert. Meanwhile Neil ate a steak the size of his head. Neil started to tell him how much he loved the look of the place. He liked the rusted license plates on the walls and the low lighting and how it smelled like fresh grass.

There was a spot outside full of grass and benches and christmas lights hung that looked nice while the sun was setting. There were swings and kids playing a game of twister someone had painted into the concrete and parents taking pictures and videos of them laughing. It felt like a whole new place, an altered dimension or something. Maybe this was how he was supposed to feel that night at the fair, he thought. 

There was a giant projection of a movie farther out on the grass. Neil looked that way and asked, “Want to watch a movie?” Andrew shrugged but followed Neil who was making his way to the movie that was starting in just 5 minutes. 

It was Pirates of the Caribbean and apparently Neil has never seen it. Which should be a crime considering Orlando Bloom is in this movie and no one should be deprived of _that._ Andrew wouldn’t share this thought with Neil. 

They sat side by side in the back. Their pinkies kept fighting trying to pin each others down. Andrews won. Then they were just holding each other’s hands. There were people around but it didn’t matter and Andrew didn’t care much if anyone did see, plus it was dark and Orlando Bloom was sword fighting Johnny Depp so it's safe to say most of the crowd was occupied. 

When the night was over they ended up driving to the middle of nowhere and made out on the hood of his car. Andrew shotgunned smoke into Neils mouth and Neil shivered before they kissed. 

When they got home, Neil reminded him of his _favorite part of the night_ . Andrew wrote down: _Orlando Bloom_ onto a torn piece of paper. When Neil saw it he laughed harder than Andrew has ever seen and Andrew, to his surprise, smiled. It was so small but he knew it was there because the way Neil looked at him, like Andrew was one of the constellations he was pointing at the other night. 

Neil leaned over slowly, and kissed Andrew soft, but it had so much force behind it, like he was trying to bruise Andrew with affection. 

Andrew wanted to be annoyed with it. Wanted to push him as far away as he could, but he didn’t have long left with him. There was no time to push him away. So he pushed into it instead, giving as much as Neil gave. 

Andrew hasn’t smiled in a long time. He didn’t want to let this go. Breathing heavily he whispered into Neils mouth, “ _stay_.”

Neil bit his own lip and bowed his head against Andrews. He didn’t answer. He just lifted his head back up and kissed Andrew. He couldn’t tell if Neil was crying or not and he didn’t want to know. He shut his eyes and let Neil kiss him for however long he needed. 

The last night with Neil was spent on the roof of the book shop. They haven't done anything big or interesting since a couple nights ago, they just stayed in together watching tv and reading books, well Neil reading the books to Andrew while Andrew fell asleep with his head in Neils lap. 

It made it even worse because Andrew didn’t even need to be going to some new place to be completely enamored by Neil. They did the most mundane things together and Andrew still felt the same way. This was going to destroy him and he hated knowing that he let this happen to him again. 

Neil left all these memories with Andrew. The reasons, the picture, the words he’ll never be able to forget, and the books he reads, highlights, and passes onto Andrew. He knows what he’s given Neil is enough, but that doesn’t mean _enough_ has to be the stopping point. 

He pulled a long chain out of his pocket and grabbed Neils hand to turn it over, and he placed it in his palm. He watched Neil stare at the key hanging on a chain with surprise. 

“It’s just a key.” But Andrew knew it wasn’t. 

“You know it’s not.” Neil slanted a weak smile at him and Andrew nodded in agreement. He watched as Neil traced over its edges and squeezed it tightly in his palms before putting it around his neck and tucking it into his shirt. 

“What’s your plan?” Andrew asked and Neil sighed. 

“I’m thinking Minnesota. I’ll have to meet up with some of my mom's contacts to get my fake ID and other stuff. I can take busses and trains there.” 

“Sounds exciting.” 

“I’ll make it exciting.” 

“Of course you will.” Andrew didn’t realize a bitter tone came out with the words until after he had said them. 

“Andrew,” Neil said.

“Don’t.” Andrew warned. He felt as if Neil were about to try and comfort him, Andrew didn’t want comfort right now. 

“Do you want a milkshake?” Neil's smile was slow but sincere. Andrew rolled his eyes but got to his feet, trying to force them not to shake, and drove around the block to the diner.

It wasn’t that late so it was still open but late enough for no one except one other person to be there. Laurel was once again there working. Andrew wondered if that’s all she did. 

She lit up when she saw Andrew and Neil. “I was bored as hell over here.” she said as she walked over to the booth they just sat at. “What do you guys want today?”

_The ability to destroy a mob empire, you?_

“Two milkshakes and fries.” Neil answered. 

When she came back she sat down with them as she sipped on her iced coffee. “I haven’t seen you all week Neil. Where have you been?” She nudged him a bit. 

“I’ve been busy.” Neil shrugged but gave a look to Andrew. “I went to that place you told me about though.” 

“Yeah?” She asked with a smile. “That’s a far drive, I didn’t know you had a car.” She made a fake sound of surprise then her face dropped as she turned to Andrew, “What did you think?” 

Neil began to hold back a smile, probably remembering the movie. Andrew threw a fry already dipped into the shake at him, and the fuckhead saw it coming and caught it with his mouth. “I hate you.” he said to Neil then to Laurel he said, “Not a fan of steak.”

Laurel laughed at the exchange but eventually replied, “Me neither. Their salads aren’t bad though. My family went there one time.” She smiled like it was a fond yet far memory, like it was sad to remember. 

Eventually someone walked in and she had to leave but when they were finished eating, before they left, Neil walked to her and said, “You’re gonna get into the school and you're going to be able to afford it. You’re gonna do great.” 

She smiled fondly and gave him a tight hug. “You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.” She laughed. When she let him go she smiled, “See you later, Neil.” 

_Don’t count on it,_ Andrew thought bitterly. 

Andrew slammed his car door shut as they got in, and when Neil grabbed his hand he flinched at the touch. Not in unease, it was all from a place of anger. This week touching without asking grew to be normal. Neil pulled his hand away, Andrew could tell he was afraid he went too far. He took two deep breaths and tried to get the brick wall out of his mind. He was going to start spiraling if he didn’t get a grip. 

“Hey,” Neil said, not soft, just a simple call. 

He looked at Neil and he started to name the things on his list in his head. 

_Neil_

_French fries dipped in milkshakes_

_Geese_

_The rain_

_Trees_

_Orlando fucking Bloom_

He thought of them over and over again, replaying them in his mind until he could breathe without wanting to kick Neil out of the car and slam the gas pedal, going as fast as he can, not caring if he crashes. But he needed to be alive for Neil. 

He started the car and drove home. By this time tomorrow Neil would be gone and Andrew would be wasted. Sobriety is overrated anyway. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took so long but i am ✨mentally ill✨ and have ✨no motivation✨ but i hope u guys like it !!


	9. Chapter 9

They didn’t speak most of the night. They lie there together in Andrews bed, Neil idly tracing his fingers over Andrew's bare wrist. Andrew didn’t normally sleep with them on, which is why the second night Neil stayed Andrew peeled them off and Neil didn’t even give them a glance. Andrew was grateful for that, there’s only so much he can give at once. But over the past couple of nights small trusts were earned, and this was okay. 

He looked at Neil and Neil looked back, not even calling each other out on their staring habit. They were staring at each other like they’d never be able to again, but Andrew's memory would never fail him. He knew every freckle, every scar, every bump, curve, blemish, and every strand of his dry and dull hair. He wasn’t sure if it would hurt more to remember so much or not enough, or even none at all.

Neither of them wanted to sleep even though they were exhausted. So they didn’t. They felt as fine as they could. Neil, lightly grazing Andrew's wrist with just his fingertips. Andrew, tracing the lines on Neils palms with his thumb. 

It’s as if they were trying to study each other in a depth that wasn’t necessary but they already knew all that they could about one another so they settled for the lines and the feeling of each other’s skin, there wasn’t much else to learn. 

They did eventually fade into an equal amount of wanted as unwanted sleep, and when the alarm went off, something that felt very similar to the day’s before Neil had shown up crept into Andrews head. He wasn’t even gone yet. 

Andrew couldn’t bring himself to speak. Over breakfast, nothing. During Neil and Nicky's lively conversation about his night at work, nothing. The drive to the bus station, nothing. He didn’t know what to say because there was nothing to be said. There were no jokes to be made. No anger to let out. No questions to ask. No tears allowed. There was nothing. He was empty. 

Pulling up to the bus station Andrew nearly didn’t get out of the car. He almost let Neil out and drove away. He couldn’t though. He had to see him get on the bus and leave. He had to see it. 

His mood didn’t go unnoticed by Neil. Even with the small group of people who just walked onto the bus Neil was supposed to be on, Neil still stayed for the small remainder of time they had left. “Hey,” was all he said and Andrew knew he could fight for him and win. He could do it. He was smart enough. Strong. Fast. He could. But it didn’t matter, he already asked Neil to stay. He told himself he wouldn’t and failed, he won’t ask again. He removed his hard stare at the ground and brought it to Neils face and found himself wanting to rip out the disgusting brown contacts. 

“Take care of yourself.” Neil whispered. 

Andrew looked him up and down before taking a small step forward and forced himself to say a simple, “Come back.” 

Neil gave a weak smile, it was one you gave when there was nothing else you could do to make someone feel better and he did it as if Andrew was referring to later, but Andrew meant  _ now _ . He wasn’t gone yet but the feeling was there. He was already gone. 

The time between Neil getting on the bus and Andrew driving home was blurry. Most of life was for Andrew. Time just merged together, every second was always the same, and it was as if he felt every single miserable second. There was no moment where he thought,  _ oh it’s this time already?  _ It was dull and dark and slow and painful. It was like the world had ended and he was waiting for everyone else to catch up. 

But then Neil came and things got brighter, faster, things began to have meaning. The trees and the rain and reading a sad book, it all had meaning. It all made him feel and that was important, that had meaning. Neil made him believe that the reason we breathe is to feel. The purpose of it all is to feel even if it hurts. 

He came to the brick wall. He wouldn’t do anything and he knows it. This place isn’t the same as before. This place isn’t somewhere he convinced himself at one point would be the last place he’d see. This is a place where right across the passenger door was a shitty car some asshole slept in for months. Right here is where he pounded on his car window and they drove to the fair. Right here are the countless times he had picked Neil up and they went and felt something. Right here is where he began to live. They met at school in passing moments but  _ here,  _ here is what’s important. 

Andrew thought of every moment that led up to it. The sheer insanity of it all. The coincidence.  _ Fate _ , Neil would say and even through all the pain, Andrew smiled. Neil wasn’t gone but he would never actually be gone, and that was more than enough for Andrew. 

Things never really were the same as they were with Neil, but him and Aaron got a job at Edens thanks to Nicky, and their exy team wasn’t as shit as it used to be with him in goal, he brought enough attention for Kevin Day and Riko Moriyama to show up and try and recruit him. And as disrespectfully as he could, he turned them down. He remembered what Neil said about what he saw with them, plus he didn’t like their rules, he didn’t like Riko, and they wouldn’t recruit Aaron. Aaron called him an idiot for turning them down, but Aaron didn’t know about the conditions they couldn’t meet, and Andrew wouldn’t tell him. 

They weren’t the only ones who wanted him though and when he got an offer he couldn’t refuse, he didn’t want to turn it down. Him, Aaron, and Nicky, full scholarships. For as much as he didn’t like exy, it did come with benefits. 

But this didn’t make things easier. Nicky and Aaron constantly questioned where Neil went. They poked and prodded, waiting for an answer, they stopped asking when it was clear he wasnt going to answer. But Nicky did pull through with the alcohol and Andrew was more than grateful for that, not that he'd show it. 

He almost did lose control once. Defending Nicky almost got a bit out of hand. It wasn’t a good day to begin with, and the feeling of hitting something over and over again was addictive. But through the white noise of anger and euphoria he heard someone yell. 

“ _ Stop.”  _

_ “You’re going to kill him.” _

_ “He’s not worth it.”  _

And then he heard Neils voice,  _ “Take care of yourself.”  _

He couldn’t break his promise to Neil. Even though every inch of his body protested, he threw the man's limp, but still conscious body, down. The others ran and the man in front of him cowered back. Andrew didn’t care enough to stick around longer. There was no point. He drove home watching Nicky through the rear view mirror cradle his own face in his hands. The bruise on his eye was beginning to form and blood from his broken nose was all over his face. He’d be okay. Andrew knew this, but his grip on the steering wheel tightened and he felt the sting and dull pain on his split knuckles and welcomed it. 

Things were getting worse for him. The emptiness was being quickly filled with anger more and more. He looked at the drawer and the things Neil had left behind. The books and the sweater he accidentally left on his dresser and Andrew hasn’t touched it since. He picked out all of Neils favorite parts of the night. He looked at the picture he had, he thought of Neil and the night so much he didn’t even need a picture to conjure the memory. He put the picture back in the nightstand, separating it from everything else that was going into a small box he grabbed from the downstairs closet. He took everything and placed it in there and put it back in the downstairs closet, refusing to touch it. 

The next time he saw the box was when they were packing up things to leave for Palmetto. He walked in on Nicky going through it, and Andrew froze. Nicky never went through that stuff since it was just blankets and sheets. 

“I was just trying to find a blanket mom made and-”

“Nicky,” Andrew warned.

“What is all this stuff?” He asked anyway. 

“Don’t.” and he yanked the box from his hands. 

When he began to walk away Nicky said a quiet, “It's okay, Andrew. I knew anyways.” And Andrew paused. “It wasn’t hard to tell. You know, if you ever need to talk to me about it, I’ll try not to be annoying.” And Andrew believed it. 

He wouldn't ever talk to Nicky about it, and he wished he put the box somewhere else so this couldve been prevented, but there was no changing it. All of it annoyed him, so he said nothing to Nicky and walked away. 

Him and Aaron didn’t renew their deal. Andrew never brought it up to him because he didn’t need to anymore. He didn’t need a deal to protect him or to keep him around, even if he was scared of letting go, he had Neil, and if the day came where he’d come back, he couldn't make a promise to Aaron that he knew he wouldn't be able to keep.

When Kevin came around Palmetto with a broken everything and asking for help that Andrew wouldn’t give for free and Kevin, who knew too easily what Andrew wanted. A purpose. He wanted one for Neil. Something to build his life on so Neil had one to come back to. But not just for Neil, Andrew wanted something that didn’t make his days blur and that wasn’t a person. He’d let Kevin try, even if Andrew knew with everything in him it wouldn’t work. He’d do it for Neil. 

A year at Palmetto was when he got the first letter. 

_ Hey, I thought I'd give you a reminder that I'm alive. I found a way to send a letter without it being tracked or traced back to me, I just had to wait a little bit until I felt safe enough to.  _

_ I saw you in the news. The first person to reject Edgar Allen. You made history. You’re famous, Minyard. I watch all your games even though you’re on the bench for most of it, Palmetto really is a shit show, fix that, I cant buy your jerseys if your team sucks.  _

_ I’m at another diner. The waitresses here aren’t like Laurel, and of course, no one is like you. _

_ I miss you and I'm sorry I didn't write sooner. Expect more letters and deal with the sappy shit. -N _

There was no return address. Andrew wouldn’t be able to write back, but knowing Neil was alive was like an itch he didn’t know needed scratched, he had been doing a  _ very _ good job drinking instead of thinking. 

The letters kept coming. The longest Andrew waited was for 4 weeks. He lived his life as always. He protected Kevin and his family. He dealt with Matt’s issues. He became friends with Renee and a monster to the others. He took up therapy with Bee and grew to like her an awful lot. 

But the best part of his life was getting letters that sometimes had crunchy leaves in them or flowers or even coffee grounds or a polaroid picture of the sunset or trees. Sometimes they’d be short or sometimes they’d be long and filled with theories conjured up by all the books he had consumed. Sometimes they were just him explaining where he's at without actually saying where he is. Even after almost two years, Andrew never got bored of reading them. 

Whenever he went back to columbia, he’d take the letters and put them in the box that he now keeps in his room. If he ever needed a pick me up, he’d go to the diner that Laurel no longer worked at and order a milkshake and fries, or to the roof of the bookshop, or the parking lot that no longer had the car Neil broke into so many times, and he’d read through some of the letters. And at the end of every letter Neil always said,  _ I miss you,  _ and Andrew clung to that like a lifeline, but the last letter, before they stopped coming:

_ Thank you, for everything. The trust, the company, the key. I never had a place to call home until I met you. You were amazing.  _

Andrew knew it was a goodbye. He knew Neil dying was a large possibility, he knows he shouldnt be surprised or shocked, and that it was stupid of him to feel this much about an outcome anyone couldve easily predicted, but knowing this didnt change a thing.

Andrew had his bad days before this, but he always willed himself out of bed. Now, he refused to go to practice. He wouldn’t talk to anyone. He wasn't even fighting the sadness that overtook him. Sadness often took the shape of anger with him, but there was none. There was only this immense feeling of defeat and pain. When Neil left, he told himself that Neil taught him that pain means you're living. Andrew didn't care much about living anymore. He just wanted the pain to go. 

He drove everyone down to Edens the next weekend but Kevin was mad at him and Aaron was annoyed and not even Nicky could fix the tension created. 

After Edens, which he only went to because he knew the others would get wasted and pass out making it easier for him to leave without questions once they got home. But Nicky didn't drink that much tonight, which was odd considering he usually got just as shitfaced as Kevin most of the time. He helped haul Kevin to the couch, he really needed to get him to stop drinking so much, and he turned around right for the door. 

Nicky stopped him. “Are you gonna be alright?” Andrew noticed he switched out his fishnet shirt for a black palmetto hoodie.

“Dont ask stupid questions.” 

Most of the time after any signs of hostility, Nicky would stand down, over the years he had learned not to push so much, but tonight he was different. “Im serious, Andrew. You haven't been like this in a while. I'm just scared is all.” Nicky tucked into himself, despite being six feet, he looked small. 

Andrew would have been angry at him any other time, but there was none. There was no anger left in him and he didn't know what to do with that. He knew how to handle sadness, but only when it was accompanied with anger, he had never had to deal with it by itself and he was lost. He sometimes, on very rare occasions, used to wish he wasn't so angry all the time, with anger he often did things that made him feel out of control, but now he wants it back. He's more out of control without his anger than he had ever been with. 

“If you're so scared, come with me.” He said because maybe he was a little scared of what he might do too. He walked away not caring to see if Nicky chose to follow. 

He did. He got in the passenger. For a second Andrews mind flashed back to Neil getting in his car. A smile spread on his face, excited for whatever new adventure they were going on. But reality blinked back into place and it was just Nicky. 

Nicky didnt talk. It was unlike him and almost unnatural. He just kept to himself, staring out the window as Andrew drove. He didnt even ask where they were going. Andrew wasnt very sure where they were going. He had a lot of places in mind. 

He drove in circles for a bit, until he found himself at the diner. It was almost always the diner. There was something about that place that drew him in. It could be knowing all the days Neil sat there, drinking coffee and writing nonsense in his journal. Sometimes when he went there he’d like to imagine Neil sitting in his own diner in whatever place he was hiding in, and that he was writing to him. That he was writing  _ I miss you  _ and  _ I watched you play again  _ and  _ tell Kevin I said hi,  _ he clarified several times that that last one was a joke and that Andrew should definitely  _ not  _ do that.

Nicky finally spoke. “Here?” Andrew didnt answer since it was obvious and stopped the car and got out. 

The waitress, who Andrew was familiar with, walked to their table with a small smile towards Andrew. She was nothing like Laurel. She wasn't bright and energetic, she was just an older lady with a good sense of humor and eye bags large enough to fight the ones Andrew used to wear. 

“Ah, the shithead returns, and you brought someone?” She eyed Nicky with a question in her stare. Andrew wouldn't answer, knowing Nicky won’t hesitate to introduce himself. 

“Nicky.” he smiled. “I'm Andrew's cousin.” He still had eyeliner smudged and his breath still smells like whatever fruity drink he had, but at least he wasn't wearing the fishnet shirt anymore. Somehow Nicky looked severely out of place, even more so than Andrew did. 

“Huh. I didn't even know you had family.” Andrew was almost worried she’d mention the letters he always reads when he comes in, but she didn't. He ordered a milkshake and fries. Nicky got some soup they were serving that Andrew was never interested in. 

“You must come here a lot.” Nicky said, looking at the waitress walking away and then to Andrew. 

“Every weekend.” He paused, “Sometimes.” 

“Oh.” a moment passed. “Why?” 

Andrew stopped to think about how to answer this. Mainly because he wasn't sure himself. “It makes things easier.” 

Nicky gave a look of surprise, probably over the fact that Andrew answered at all. “Is this about Neil? I know it was a long time ago but-”

“Yes.” Andrew didn't want to hear his monologue. 

“Oh.” He nodded to himself and tapped his finger at a rapid pace on the table. “What happened to him?” 

“Had to move.” Andrew shrugged. “He wrote.” 

“He doesn't anymore?” 

“I think he’s dead.” 

Nicky shot Andrew an urgent look, “I'm sure that's not it.” 

“I know his life, you don't, but believe what you want.” He shrugged again. 

“Well,” Nicky let out a large breath. “That fucking sucks.” 

“Yeah.” Andrew agreed. “It does.”

They sat and ate their food. Nicky didn’t talk much after that. He commented on the food and thanked the waitress but that was all.

And sitting here, he thought that he needed to let go. He had been holding onto Neil for so long he was never able to keep his promise. He never went out to try and find himself a real purpose. He had been so codependent on the thought of Neil coming back he didn’t even think about building a life. He knew he had to but it wasn’t actively an issue when he had Neil as a safety net. But there was no more safety net. There was no more deal with Aaron. Kevin didn’t need to be protected anymore since Riko had stopped pestering him to go back to the nest. 

Neil was dead and he had to let go. For himself, he was finally letting go.    
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here u go kings 🙂👍🏻


	10. Chapter 10

The thing about trying to be happy isn't an easy to explain kind of thing. It’s grasping for straws most days and barely pulling anything on others. It’s the persistent feeling of knowing something is in your reach but you’re unable to reach it by yourself, but you only know how to do it alone. You often think that maybe if I let myself do this or let myself do that that you might be able to make it easier, but something about all of that is too exhausting and you start each day with the same thought, _maybe tomorrow,_ and you know it’s a lie. It’s not a very good lie, but it’s a lie that's easy to ignore, and those lies tend to be the worst and the best, because they’re right under your nose, under everyone’s noses, but they’re also the ones that rarely ever get told. Those are the kind of lies people live and die with, and _that_ is what makes them so damn scary. 

He didn’t know where to start and he didn’t know how to imagine himself happy to even try and know where to start. He couldn’t even imagine himself content. All he needed was something for _himself_ to live for. It was all so frustrating. He promised Neil he’d at least _try_ , but it’s not enough for him and wishing it was doesn’t do shit. 

He wasn’t making things easier by antagonizing Kevin even more than usual. The worse Andrew got towards him, the worse Kevin got to him. Eventually Andrew had stormed off the court. He was so _angry_. He was sad, then he was nothing, and now it’s all rage again. He doesn’t even remember the moment when rage took over, it all went by so slow, every day the exact same, so much so he barely noticed.

He leaned up against the wall of the empty lounge and tried to take calming breaths and he listed the things Neil had taught him and it didn’t work. It amazed him that he could still think anger is better while smashing his hand into a wall and then once more. 

“For fucks sake, Andrew.” Whymack had walked in and Andrew willed himself to stop after one more punch.

“You trying to break your hand? I thought you and Kevin were past that.” It was a genuine question out of concern wrapped up in a grumpy old man attitude.

“No.” He answered. He wasn’t sure if it was true or not. 

“You wanna tell me what your mood has been about?” 

“No.” 

“Dobson?” 

“No.” 

“Are you saying you don’t want to talk to her or you haven’t yet?” 

“Both.” It was partially untrue. 

The next day he had an appointment with Bee. He hadn’t talked to her about any of it and most of their sessions since had been in silence as they drank hot chocolate. Today though, she looked at his cut up and bruised, swollen hand and things became different. 

After 6 minutes of dead silence she said, “Andrew,” 

“Bee.” 

“I understand giving you space to work things out, but right now I'm gonna ask what you have worked out so far so we can avoid any more injuries.”

He sat silent. Looking into his cocoa mug with a bored stare. 

“Just tell me where things went wrong in the last couple of weeks.” 

He didn’t want to talk about that just yet _,_ but he wanted to talk. He wanted to figure it out. He wanted to solve the thing that everyone around him has already solved. He wondered if they were all born with the answer and he was just unlucky and never got it, or if everyone was born with the answer and he was just stripped of his at too young of an age and now it’s too late to get it back. 

“I want to change.” He finally said. 

“Change how?”

“I don’t know how. That’s my problem.” 

“So there’s something about yourself and you don’t know what it is but you want to change it.” 

“I don’t want to change me, I’m fine with me. There’s just something,” he stopped himself to choose his words, “missing.” 

“Purpose?” 

He shook his head. “No. I don’t think so.” In the moment Andrew took a second to think about what Neil had that made him the way he was. Andrew thought the answer might be taught, maybe Neil was taught the answer from such a young age, it became a comfort and a constant and he refused to let anyone take it from him. 

What made him so _stubborn_ . What pushes people to _want_ to live so bad. What makes them _want_ to fight tooth and nail. What makes them convince themselves the lie they live is truth. What makes a person so delusional and where can he get it. He racked his brain over and over again and he couldn’t solve it. Especially Neils case. 

Bee must’ve noticed his struggle because she said, “You don't have to know everything all at once.” When Andrew looked at her, expecting more, she continued, “Healing is a process and a lot of learning is involved. You can't dive in head first and expect immediate change. Maybe you could try taking baby steps.” 

“What kind of baby steps?” He asked. He didn’t know if he was coming off bored or uninterested enough and the thought made him anxious to leave. 

“Conversation is a good one. Finding people you don’t mind. Maybe even talking to the foxes more. Talking to people builds connections, makes you care a little more. I think it could help.” 

Bee was right. Baby steps are his best option. He just doesn't want to take any steps. Especially if the step is to start talking to people outside of his circle. It wasn't like he had to have full conversations, just ignore them less, say a thought here and there until it got easier. He could do that. 

He wasn’t sure if this was the answer he was looking for and he very highly doubted it, and he didn’t know if he could ever allow himself to do this, but he promised Neil he’d try and even if Neil didn’t keep his promise, even if he was dead, Andrew was going to keep his because it mattered. 

A lot of the time Neil would send random things he had read into letters. Sometimes he would elaborate with thoughts that Andrew sometimes thought about when he needed something to keep his mind busy, but other than that he was just interested in what Neil had to say about it. But sometimes Neil would send something with nothing and those were usually the ones that ended up to be Andrews favorite. 

One he’d often come back to read was, ‘ _You lay down in the forest. “Just five minutes.” you say to the trees. “Five minutes to be alone. Then I can get up and go on living.” You close your eyes. When you open them again the saplings around you have grown massive, and your hair has turned to moss. “You were gone too long.” The trees whisper. “They've forgotten all about you.” You can still begin again.’_

_I miss you -N_

He was pulled out of his thoughts when Bee said, “I'm proud of you for this, I really am, but I am curious as to what made you come to this point?” She sipped her hot chocolate and eyed Andrew. 

“Just keeping a promise.” 

“Whose promise are you keeping, if you don't mind me asking?” 

He wasn’t exactly caught off guard by this. He had thought that one day he’d probably tell Bee about Neil, only if it were relevant and unavoidable, he had planned it out beforehand a long time ago. “A nobody I knew from high school.” 

Her eyes narrowed. “I don't think he's much of a nobody to you.” 

“No, he's not.”

“Will I be hearing more about him?”

“Doubtful. He's dead.”

Bee set her glass down and made a sour face as she swallowed her drink. “I'm sorry to hear that, Andrew.” 

He didn't care much for _I'm sorrys,_ Betsy knew this but she explained to him once that sometimes it's all people can say, sometimes it's not a word of pity and feeling sorry for you. Sometimes it's just a word that lets the other person know you care. After that explanation he agreed to let it slide. It was something he thought Neil might say.

Bee sensed Andrew wasn't going to say anything else and said, “You're taking a step in the right direction. I'm sure whoever he was, he’d be proud of you.” She gave one of her kind smiles that made Andrew squirm a little, as much as he liked her he was always unsure what to do with her unwavering kindness. Even when she gave Andrew brutal honesty, she was always kind. Kind of in the same way that Laurel radiated happiness even when she showed her small glimpses of sadness. Or how the waitress he usually sees at the diner now radiated a sadness even when she’s happy and making jokes. Kind of like how Andrew shows anger in almost everything he does, good or bad, it's just there. 

It's like that. He wondered if Neil had the answer as to why some people radiated certain things so strongly. 

Throughout the next couple of months he hung around the foxes more. He joined more movie nights and they sometimes had lunch or drank in Dans dorm. Seth tried not to come by if they were around, Andrew wasn’t sure if it was pure dislike for them or a fear of Andrew, either way it works out for him. 

He didn’t talk much around them but Aaron and Nicky looked like they were having fun. Nicky would go on and on about Erik and Aaron would bring Katelyn around and become a different person around her. It was hard to watch some days. 

It was even harder when Matt said, “Why haven't you and Renee hooked up yet?” Renee had just left him to get a drink from the kitchen and Matt seemed to be getting _too_ comfortable with his presence.

“Boring question.” He replied and didn’t miss the intense stare Nicky was giving the conversation. 

“Not when you have as much money as we do on it.” Matt laughed a bit. He wasn’t a bad guy. He probably didn’t think the same thing about Andrew, rightfully so, but personal topics weren’t something Andrew liked to talk about and he knew this was about to get annoying.

“Not my fault you’re careless with your money.” 

“Says the guy who blew all his money on a car.” Aaron scoffed. “Besides, I don’t think Renee is his type.” If Andrew would just let himself kill him. “She’s too nice.” Aaron finished to Andrews' relief. 

Andrew noticed something about himself. He says he doesn’t care what people think. He says it’s not my problem and moves on, but what he really means is, _it’s not my problem if they think I'm a monster._ Because then they see him as dangerous and they won’t touch him. But if they saw him as anything else, anything that can have emotion, their view on him could change and Andrew couldn’t do that. Not yet. _Baby steps._

“I don’t know,” Dan said skeptically. “They could balance each other out well.”

“Or end in one _nasty_ breakup.” Allison added. 

“That too.” 

“You guys need to find better things to do.” Andrew took a sip of the beer he was drinking before he stood up and left for the roof to smoke. He was still afraid of heights, but that’s why he goes up there. 

Later that month they got invited to go up to a cabin with the rest of the team. Convincing Kevin to go wasn’t easy, but doable, especially when alcohol is involved. It was nice, Neil would’ve liked the trees. He imagined they’d sit under one while Neil reads a book, using the picture he had taken of Andrew as the bookmark, Neil said that’s what he used in one of his letters before. 

Andrew thought about Neils letters more than the time they actually spent together. It was easy to imagine things for him, so whenever he wrote Andrew would feel like he’s right there talking to him. He’d never forget Neils voice. He remembers seeing something about a person's voice being the first thing you forget when they die, Andrew doesn’t think it’d be possible even if he could. 

Even though it was hard, the week was nice. He smoked, drank, slept. Him and Renee made a meal together that didn’t taste so bad. Him and Nicky made drinks for everyone, and at the end of the night, more drinking ensued.

“Okay, okay,” Allison announced, very drunk. “We’re playing a drinking game cause _none_ of you are as drunk as me and that’s not right.” It was true, not even Kevin was as gone as her and Kevin had been drinking non stop this week to avoid his inevitable hangover. 

“Never have I ever.” Dan shouted as she raised a bottle and Allison made an unflattering face and pointed to her in agreement. 

“Really?” Aaron rolled his eyes. “Very middle school don’t you think.”

“Shut up. We haven’t played together before.” Allison made a zipping gesture with her fingers. “I’ll go first. Never have I ever smoked pot.” and she took a sip of her own. So did Aaron, Nicky, Matt, Renee, Seth, and Andrew. The only one who hasn’t was Dan and Kevin. 

They had a long conversation about how Dan had never smoked and why Kevin should try so he could chill the fuck out once in a while. 

The next ones were dumb and stupid and boring, he tuned them out for most of them until he heard Dans voice, “Hooked up in the back of a car.” She didn’t drink but she looked at Matt who rolled his eyes and took a drink. Along with Nicky, Allison, Renee, and Andrew. 

Dan looked at Renee and Andrew and said, “Interesting.” From then on they began to specifically target them.

“Never have I ever hooked up on a rooftop.” Matt said looking directly at Andrew and Renee. Andrew took a sip, Renee didn’t. 

“Never have I ever hooked up with one of my closest friends.” Allison asked and Matt and Dan took a sip and Andrew was ready to leave now. But he took a sip, just to fuck with them since Renee didn’t take one. Which, in hindsight wasn’t a good idea with Aaron right there. 

“What friends? You’re barely friends with Renee.” Aaron slurred. They were all so drunk. 

“Leave him alone, Aaron.” Nicky also slurred. 

“What? You’re not curious?” 

“No.” 

“What the fuck are you lying for?” 

“I’m not!” 

“I’m bored of this.” Andrew said before leaving. 

“No no no no.” Allison said. “Aaron’s right. Who have you hooked up with? I want to know the monster's type.” 

“What?” Seth asked in a rude tone. “Wanna see if you have a chance?” 

“Ew no, I don’t hate myself.” 

Andrew took a large sip of his drink, said a quick “No.” and he left. He wasn’t going to deal with that. It was better that he left and it was more than enough that he participated. He just won’t be doing it again anytime soon. He was getting there, even if it was a one step forward two steps back kind of thing. He was doing it. 

_As I grow older, much older, I will experience many things, and I will hit rock bottom again and again. Again and again I will suffer; again and again I will get back on my feet. I will not be defeated. I won’t let my spirit be destroyed._

_I miss you -N_

Andrew's spirit was crushed a long time ago, but he hoped, for the first time in a while, that it wasn’t too late. 

At the end of the trip he wrote down the good things, like how he used to with Neil. For each day he’d write one thing he liked. 

Monday: The smell of wet soil

Tuesday: Some of Nickys drinks aren’t shit 

Wednesday: Cooking 

Thursday: Fireplaces

Friday: Loud music 

It wasn’t as good as the list he made with Neil but he didn’t spend too much time on that thought. 

Saturday they spent at their house in columbia. They didn’t go to Edens, too exhausted from the week. Andrew thought about visiting a spot just to recharge. But he was letting go, every time he visited one of their spots it rushed all the memories back and what used to make it easier for Andrew was now more difficult. 

He sat in their living room, in the dark, and he drank. It had only been 4 months since Neil sent his last letter. It felt so much longer. It felt like years. It felt so far. He hated how far away it felt. It didn’t used to feel like that when he thought of Neil. 

But a lingering feeling of hope and sadness was in him. It was a small flare of it, but it was there. He was doing better than a couple months ago and that’s important, he’s holding onto that thought for the next time something bad happens. Telling himself, _you can’t forget. Don’t forget._

And he didn’t. Bee had told him that when he felt it was time he could try finding things he likes, or in his case good at, to put his energy into. So he picked up cooking more and tried harder when playing exy, he made an effort to joke with the foxes, he’d never smile or laugh in front of them, and not everything was forgiven, and he wasn’t going to apologize, but it was okay. Maybe they weren’t friends but in an odd way, Andrew saw each of them in a different light. Not so much of Seth, he couldn’t find it in him to make an attempt at liking Seth, but the others were people Andrew thought Neil would like. 

Andrew was also reading more of the books Neil had left behind or told him to read. There was another quote, another piece of Neil that he hadn’t gotten to see yet, highlighted.

_I am practicing my new hobby of watching me become someone else. There is so much violence in reconstruction._

Andrew wondered for a second if when Neil had highlighted it that Andrew was the violence in his reconstruction. Andrew also thought that right now, he was his own violence in his reconstruction. Not in the same way he was in Neils, not as an angry presence who was overly protective and ready to bite anyone who was stupid enough to touch them, anyone stupid enough to try and take the time Neil was using for himself away. 

Instead it was him thinking of himself, pulling apart the way his brain thinks in a rough and hateful way. Taking the worst parts of himself and hating them and hating them and hating them but all while he was trying to shape them and shape them and shape them into something he could like, something he could live with. 

He then thought maybe he had nothing to do with Neils reconstruction, at least in a violent way, maybe Neil hated those own parts of him too, maybe even more than Andrew hated his own. 

And reading another book Neil told him to read, he found something that he liked an awful lot and found himself highlighting it. He found a piece of himself and as much as he hated it, as much as he felt himself becoming something he used to view as breakable, it was easy. It was easy to add that piece to himself.

_I’m sorry you couldn’t find me. I have been in the woods. I put myself there because I couldn’t be good. I have been running with foxes and running with crows and I have found myself a home where no one goes._

The point is: he was becoming someone else too. He was doing what Neil did and in a way it made Andrew feel closer to Neil, but in a safe way, in a way that didn’t make him simmer in the pain. It was a good way. 

They were on their way back from Edens. Kevin was passed out and Nicky was annoyingly not, and Aaron was barely sober, and probably texting Katelyn. But it was a good night.

Even when he got home he didn’t get this bad feeling rushing over him like he sometimes gets, and it smelled like rain and reminded him of the night with Neil. After he took a quick shower he put the kettle on the stove and turned on the news. 

Through the background noise of the tv, the rain hitting the windows, and the kettle whistling, he could hear the front door handle rattle. He took the kettle off the stove and grabbed a kitchen knife since he traded his bands for a long sleeve sweater. 

As silent as always he crept to the door, the handle wasn’t moving, and it was still locked. He stepped closer to the door and unlocked it so he could peak out to see if someone was there and who he had to scare off or kill if needed. 

When he opened it he nearly jumped. Someone was at the door with a hoodie over their head and their stare at the floor, Andrew didn’t even think about it before he raised the knife to point at them. Before he could even threaten them to leave, they looked up. 

And oh, this wasn’t real. His heart was hammering with the realization that he was seeing things. Neils cheeks were scarred and he was soaked in rainwater. His face was soft and relieved, but older and harder all at once. 

“I was going to knock. I wasn’t sure if I should’ve walked in or not.” And Andrew almost shut the door and left. He almost pushed past what sick thing his mind conjured up and got in his car to leave. But instead he looked down to the door, there was a key on a necklace chain sticking out of the handle. 

“Andrew.” He said, but Andrew couldn’t look at him. His eyes were shut tight and he didn’t even know he had shut them. “Do you wanna put down the knife?” 

Andrew opened his eyes and realized it was still pointed at him. He lowered it and just looked until he said, “I thought you were dead.” hallucination or not he couldn’t say nothing. 

“Yeah, me too. I’ll tell you everything, just get me out of these wet clothes.” 

_Some things never change,_ Andrew thought to himself. The more he processed it the more real it felt. He let Neil in and led him up the stairs. Andrew needed to know everything. He needed to know this wasn’t him losing his mind. 

Neil tried to keep his head down most of the time, but Andrew had already seen the shadow and outline of whatever new scars he has. Neil sat at the edge of the bed, and said nothing as Andrew pulled the hood down. Andrew examined his face, his eyes, and his hair. He felt the scars on the pads of his thumb, the skin he used to know every dip to. It was all real. 

“I missed you.” Neil sighed in what Andrew gathered as relief.

“I think I got that.” 

“So you got my letters?” the corner of his mouth slightly lifted, making the scars on his face wrinkle. 

Andrew rolled his eyes as he turned around to his closet. He pulled down the box and placed it on Neils lap. He crossed his arms as Neil looked at the box with something close to shock. 

“You kept them.” 

“Don’t flatter yourself too much. I nearly burnt them more times than I can remember.” 

“God, maybe you should’ve.” Neil said as he opened one of them. 

Andrew leveled Neil with a stare, maybe Neil would notice it was one of fond annoyance, “Now you’re embarrassed?” 

“Now that I know you read them, yeah.” 

“Don’t be. There’s no point.” He rolled his eyes as he turned to grab Neil a shirt and sweatpants. He threw them at Neil who seemed to hesitate for a second but continued to pull off his wet long sleeve. That’s when Andrew saw more scars and burns on his arms. He made a pointed look at the barely healed marks and Neil shrugged. 

“They’re fine now. Hurt like a bitch for a while.” He tugged on Andrews dry long sleeve and moved to his window to smoke as Neil traded the wet pants for the sweatpants. 

“Ready to talk now.” Andrew put his stick in the ashtray and turned to look at Neil. 

Neil went on to say that when his father got out of prison he had found him, and sent his men to get him. He made gestures to his face and arms and said, “They did this with a dashboard lighter before handing me off to him.” Andrew figured _him_ was his father. 

He said he was about to get killed, until his uncle showed up and shot and killed him. After the hospital stay and talking to the feds, his uncle had taken him in to heal and until he killed, and/or negotiated with, the remaining threats to Neil. One of the threats happened to be the Moriyamas who were supposed to own him, which is one of the reasons why his mom ran. But the second it was safe to leave, he came home. 

“I sent the letter from my uncles when I thought the Moriyamas were going to kill me since I was a loose end. I could barely write with my hands being as fucked as they were. I should’ve just called.” 

“Yeah. You should’ve.” He didn’t mean it to come out as a growl. He let his hands clench on the edge of the desk a couple of times before saying in a calmer voice, “So you’re free.” 

“As free as free can get.” Neil nodded.

“Are you staying.” 

“Unless you give me a reason not to.” 

There were none. So he said nothing. He bit his lip and filled the space between him and Neil. Neil sat on the edge of the bed, looking up at Andrew. His eyes flickering from Andrews eyes, to his lips, to his hair, as if he were trying to spot every change since he had seen him. 

Just an inch away from Andrews lips Neil whispered, “Let me stay.” and Andrew kissed him. 

Neil had never been this enthusiastic to kiss Andrew before, but he wasn’t complaining. Neil kissed him like he didn’t know how to stop, like he didn’t even want to try, and if Andrew had to die suffocating on Neils lips it wouldn’t be such a bad way to go. 

They moved to lie down next to each other. Neil was careful about where he was allowed to touch and Andrew showed no restraint on his touches once he got full permission. And Andrew found what was missing. He never wanted it to be a person. He never wanted the answer to be a person, but here his answer was, right under him. He couldn’t deny it. Neil was his answer and the thought alone made him so livid he kissed Neil a little harder, but Neil didn’t complain a bit. He gave back as much as Andrew gave. 

When they both settled down, he let Neil move into his arms. He didn’t feel as uncomfortable as he thought he might. He felt like everything had shifted back into place. 

It was quiet for a long time until Neil said, “You know, i’ve always wanted to be free, I imagined it so much I thought I could feel it, but now I have it and I don’t know what to do.” He laughed a little. “Besides the obvious.” and he drove his head lightly and very cautiously onto Andrews shoulder.

“We’ll figure it out.” 

“And you?” 

“What about me.” 

“Did you ever find something to live for?” 

Andrew didn’t answer. He simply rested his head on Neils. It was odd being so close to him after so long, after thinking he was dead, while having the fear that he’s going to fall asleep and he’s going to wake up and he’ll be gone, that it will all be a dream, but it was all so _right_ , not even words could express it, but most poetic things just can’t be summed up with words, so he said nothing. 

He found his answer a long time ago and Neil knows it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey i finished it 🥳🕺
> 
> also listen to mindless town by roman lewis and doing it right by middle kids cause it goes nice with this chapter :)) 
> 
> and also thanks for all the kind words it really meant a lot since i’ve never shown anyone anything i’ve written so i’m giving u all forehead kisses muah

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from take care by tom rosenthal :)


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